change my name change my name

I am sorry for having deleted this post previously. After having published it (which I always do without reading or editing), I realized there were a few things that stuck out as sore thumbs for me. I wasn’t too comfortable with my own thoughts; hence, I deleted it. But now I figured that since a few people have already read it, it might as well just be on the field. Plus I’m sure y’all are more forgiving of me than I am of myself. Please be kind. ;) Here it goes again … still unedited … still as it was. :)

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It has been months since I’ve indulged myself in any topic of discussion that can potentially get my heart racing faster than it normally should. I had my reasons. Now, however, every blog I go to seems to be talking about the same thing: Sanjay Dutt’s opinion on women adopting their husband’s last name after marriage and Manyata’s acceptance of his opinion in addition to her personal opinion of asking her husband for permission before she does anything. How can I not write about it? ;)

Sanjay Dutt, a famous bollywood film star and a convicted criminal, is quoted to have said:

“Women should not stick to their fathers’ surname after marriage just for the sake of fashion. It will be a disrespect for their husbands if they do so. They must give up fathers’ surname and adopt husbands’ surname”.

whereas Manyata (Sanjay’s wife and a failed starlet) when questioned whether she would contest the upcoming elections in India, said:

“He [her husband] has to take the decision. I take permission from him even if I have to go for coffee or dinner with friends. My priority is my family. He will decide if it is right or not right for me.”

She also obviously agrees with her husband’s views on the question of women having to change their last name after marriage. According to her:

“Having married a man who takes care of all my needs, I’d like to accept his name with full honour and take charge of his home and accept his family as my family. If you can’t accept your husband’s name and family then why marry? Go in for a live-in relationship.”

Many bloggers around the blogworld have blogged about it. To name a few: D, Chandni, IHM, Mad Momma, et Goofy Mumma. While I applaud all of them for a job well done, I find myself nodding along Goofy Mumma’s main argument. These people – Mr. and Mrs. Dutt – should not be discussed for their controversial statements (that could very well be political ploys) but for the fact that such incapable people – one a convicted criminal and another a failed starlet – are being considered for leadership roles in a democracy that we call India only because they have a famous name.

Having said that, I actually am surprized that a couple of inane statements made by the dumb and dumber have created such an uproar. Although I am convinced that they are just political gimmicks but even if they weren’t, really, what’s the big deal if that’s what they think? Just don’t vote for them, yeah? Their personal opinion is theirs to keep. Most likely, they’re only voicing it because they know it will get them votes of all ‘true blooded‘ Indian males residing in the heartland whose sari-clad demure and petite wives will follow willingly.

Furthermore, this not-changing-last-name issue has hounded me since I got married because I have retained my maiden name. I had a friend – very English, very white – ask me the same question that Manyata asks in her statement. She, my friend, was undergoing a lengthy process of name-change after her marriage and I asked her if it was all necessary when she could just as well keep her maiden name and cut all the hassle of having to change over to a new name. “Why marry then, Roo?” she asked. I looked at her blankly. “You might as well just live-in with the man, yeah?” she continued. By that time, I had my answer ready. I said, “In my culture, live-ins are not acceptable. To live together, you have to get married to make your union socially acceptable. However, yes, you are right … if I didn’t have that compulsion, I don’t think I would’ve married P. I would’ve just lived in with him.”

Marriage, I feel, is a social et religous et legal compulsion. We don’t do it for our sake. We do it for the society. We are brainwashed to believe that we are doing it for our sake, that we are becoming one with our partner, that we are joining together in a holy alliance etc etc but really how is it any different from two adults are fully committed to each other living in together? Marriage is necessary in countries like India for cultural, social and legal reasons and marriage is equally necessary out here in West primarily for religious reasons or legal reasons like tax benefits. If that was not the case, I see no reason for two people who are committed to each other to get married. However, if you say that marriage is important even without the social/cultural/religious/legal compulsions, then I don’t see why you would have a problem accepting marriage as it was packaged including name change for the woman.

Believe it or not, there are people like Manyata who WANT to get married with or without any compulsions and WANT to change their last names. Reasons for that are very simplistic. I grew up watching Bollywood movies and seeing my cousins getting married and imagining my own wedding in an orange lengha even though I never liked bright colors. A lot of my friends grew up dreaming of their white wedding dress regardless of the fact that their wardrobe was full of color. We, especially women, are consistently brainwashed into this culture of marriage and a perfect wedding day when the bride looks her best and is the most beautiful woman in the party. Media, folklore, society, economics – everything – are geared to make women want to get married. There are unbelievable number of wedding related shows on Women Channels on TV. There are malls and plazas in India dedicated only to wedding shopping. All children in the house – especially girls again – are involved in shopping for the bride every time there is a wedding in the house. Dreams are thus born and nurtured as a girl journeys to become a woman. She wants to be married to a perfect man – her prince charming – who’d sweep her off her feet and ride into the sunset on a white steed. She wants to be pampered by him as if she is a child. She wants to be held. She wants to be taken care of. She wants to belong to him. She wants to be a ‘woman’ as the society has brainwashed her into believing that a woman is supposed to be … until feminism strikes.

Then she doesn’t want none of that storybook crap and wants to assert her identity. She feels outraged when she is told to change her last name … but oh-she still wants a beaaauuutiful wedding where she’s dressed in a beaaaauuuutiful gown and she looks the most beaaauuutiful than she has ever had. Ironic, isn’t it? :)

I personally admit to be wanting to be a ‘woman‘ sometimes as I described above as the one who wants to belong to a man. That’s my innate desire at times, yes, I admit. When I am at my vulnerable worst, I yearn to be taken control of by a man. On the other hand, when I am in my rational mind (which luckily exists almost always except some nights *wink wink* haha), I am in full control of myself and no one dare take it away from me. In the rare moments when I am on a strange high wanting to be ‘his’ so to speak, I would happily take his name, bear his children, and claim his ownership on me as I was brainwashed growing up. And when I am in control of my identity, I am happy with who I am and won’t change it for anyone. Agree or not, I am not the only woman who faces this crisis in modern age. Most just won’t admit it – not even to themselves. External factors in our lives are so strong, ladies, that it’s impossible not to want to be a ‘woman‘ (as per the brainwashing) at some point in our lives.

Despite such strong external influences, I have faith in independence of a human mind and want to believe that most marriages are conducted under compulsions. I want to believe that people like Manyata, who could not break through the brainwashing and see logic as I see it, are very rare. I want to believe that majority of us realize that we only marry for the sake of marrying and it has nothing to add or take away from our relationship with our partner. I personally wouldn’t have married P if it weren’t for my family and government benefits. I would’ve just lived with him as I do now: without changing anything about me and loving him just the same. I didn’t change my last name post marriage. However, it’s important to note that me not changing my last name was not a statement by me of my feminine independence. It was a very practical decision just like my marriage was only a practical decision for me. Changing my last name would’ve caused me a lot of unnecessary hassle of having to change driver’s license, passport, education documents, etc etc. Also that my last name is a lot cooler than husband’s. ;) It never occurred to me that I was making a feminist statement or that I must carry on my father’s name. I really never cared because my last name doesn’t make me; I make my last name.

Before there was any Aishwarya Rai on the fame scene, no one really recognized my last name since it is not very common in the Punjabi Jatt Sikh community. Ever since Aishwarya gained popularity, all of us cousins were ever-so-proud of our last name. Aishwarya’s success made us feel good about our last name. She made the last name ‘Rai’ cool and not the other way around. Point I am trying to make is that it’s not our names that make us, it’s us who make our names. If I choose to do good to others, people will remember my name because of my deeds and not because I am a ‘Rai’. So, last name really never mattered to me. I often joke with husband that if we ever have kids, I’ll give them last names that are never heard of before. Who cares what their last names are as long as they have our genetic material?

Similarly, who cares whose last name we’re carrying as women as long as we are comfortable with our femininity? I don’t feel that last names need to be used as a statement but I have friends who believe otherwise and do use it as a statement. Neither of us are wrong. We have our own beliefs and as long as we don’t force it upon each other, all is well. As in Manyata’s case, she shouldn’t really be taken seriously in the first place … but if she becomes someone influential (thanks to our countrymen’s stupidity for voting her in), post-marriage name change should not be made an important issue. Giving attention to such statements made by people like her who are incapable to lead is merely inciting people like her to make more such divisive statements using a political stage. I don’t hold her wrong for the content of her statement (it’s her opinion) but I do hold her wrong for using a political stage to voice such personal opinions.

As for her asking permission from her husband before going for coffee with her friends or even to the loo perhaps, good for her. If that’s how their relationship works and they are both happy with that arrangement, good for them. What’s it to us? It’s none of our business. I learned that lesson recently. An acquaintance in town recently went to India and got engaged. I called him to congratulate him. While talking, I asked him whether he speaks to his fiance and when he responded in affirmative, I ribbed him about his conversation with her. It turned out that they weren’t yet doing the ‘lovey-dovey’ talk. They were still discussing the foundation rules for their marriage. Intrigued, I prodded further. Apparently, he was making it clear to her before marriage that he is the man in the house and all decisions will be made by him including whether she would work or stay at home. I was shocked! “How can you do that?!” I said. He responded calmly, “Roop, do I ever question you about how you run your family? Your and P’s relationship works the way you guys work it. I want to work it differently. I am not keeping anything from her. If it is not acceptable to her, she is more than welcome to break the engagement and I have made that clear to her too. That’s the only way I know how to be in a relationship since my father and brother have similar relationships. I don’t think you should judge my way when I don’t judge yours.”

I saw his point. If he wants to boss her around and she is happy with him bossing her around, who am I to judge or question? That’s how their relationship works and they are happy with each other, good for them. Same for Manyata and Sanjay. However their relationship works, it is their business. Their opinion need not be judged harshly. What needs to be judged harshly instead is their choice of making such opinions a tool to play politics in the dirtiest fashion possible. As for those people who vote for either one of them only because Manyata asks her husband for permission to serve him daaru, they don’t deserve a better leader anyway. If they can’t judge that a woman who has to ask her husband for permission to go out might also be asking her husband’s permission to do the job she is elected for, then it is really the voters’ loss.

Just so that such loss doesn’t happen … just so that stupid people don’t continue to lead India … just because India deserves much better leaders … please …courtesy: Goofy Mumma