It’s not an everyday occurrence

“It’s not an everyday occurrence. It is not as bad as you make it out to be”, said a friend to me today after reading my last post. He lives in India and, obviously, is much in love with his homeland. Also, he is not someone who needs to resort to desperate means like the ‘standard eve-teasers’ do to feel good about himself. He’s just your average good guy who minds his own business and doesn’t interfere in others’. For him, harassment of women on Indian streets is not that common an occurrence as I am making it out to be and hence not really that bad.

Despite my disagreement with him, I can understand where he is coming from. One, he is not a woman to have experienced it himself. Two, he hasn’t inflicted it on any woman himself; so he doesn’t think anyone else does it either.

Although I do understand his dilemma, I worry that there are so many others like him who might be thinking the same. They’re just not aware of the seriousness of the harassment problem merely because they are good people themselves and also because any talk of harassment is quickly hushed at homes. Daughters, if they do, talk to their mothers who hush the issue and advise the young ones to walk with arms folded across their chest next time. Fathers are mostly left unaware because you know what? Harassment ‘happens’. It’s ‘normal’. Why make a big deal of it? Women eventually just learn to cope with it themselves and life goes on.

I asked my husband today whether he knew about eve-teasing et al. He went to an IIT in India which happens to be primarily male-dominated. So he said, “I only really knew my sister in India but she obviously never told me anything. Only person I’ve heard it from is you when you go to India.” I was obviously shocked. He said he knew that it happened but he is completely unaware of the frequency or the intensity of it. Come to think of it, he lived a good two decades in India and he is not aware. I lived only a few years and I am more than aware. Being of a different gender makes all the difference eh?

Coming back to the friend, I asked him about what he thought of the two times that I was harassed during this recent trip to India and the few times during the last trip as well. He answered me by asking me to speak to the women I knew who lived in India. Umm how are they any different than I am, I wondered? Perhaps my body language is too ‘bold and inviting’? Perhaps because I don’t walk with my eyes glued to the road? Other than that, I look just the same as the rest. What’s the difference?

So I throw this question out to you ladies living in India:

Is sexual harassment on Indian streets almost an everyday occurrence or not? Do you not have to be on high alert to guard yourself strongly every time you step out? Do you not have to think about what you wear and how you walk just so that you don’t attract attention?

Because I always felt like I needed to be on guard in India when I lived there and when I visit there. Perhaps my perception is wrong. Please correct me.

Although I have put those questions out to you guys, I don’t find that any answers to those questions would affect the grimness of the issue at hand in any manner. How does it matter if street harassment is an everyday occurrence or only once in a lifetime? Even if a young girl is harassed once in her life, is it not bad enough?! It inculcates fears into her that are not healthy for her growth! It’s a fact. Even ONE incident is enough for her to start looking down on herself … her body … her mind … her perception of herself. She begins to question herself, her way of dressing, her choices, her wants, her desires, her dreams and begins to shape herself subconsciously to be someone who is not likely to get abused (as per her perception) and kills herself in the process. How terribly sad is that! If I had a young daughter entering her teens rite now in India, I’d be shaking with fear every time I had to send her out by herself. WHY?! Why does one have to live with this fear every day? It’s not fair! Repeat after me … NOT FAIR!

So yes, it IS as bad as I make it out to be dammit. It might take an ‘everyday occurrence’ for someone to take harassment seriously. For me, one incident in a lifetime is more than enough, thank you very much. The frequency of occurrence is really rendered immaterial. The impact left by one incident on one young mind can be much worse than impact left by 100s on another! I am surprized though that there are people who are still unaware of this taboo of a subject. Really surprized! I assumed everyone knew! I thought everyone knew that it happens quite regularly! Well, what do ya kno?! I was wrong! Though I do realize that I am to be blamed for not letting others know as well. When it happened to me, I kept it to myself and my close group of girl friends. We never told guy friends out of shame and never told parents out of fear. So, how can I expect them to know now?

This new piece of information gives me all the more reason to talk louder about it than ever. Please pass on the message. Please talk about the frequency of it if it helps make a better impact. More and more ‘decent’ people (read men) need to be made aware that their wives, sisters and daughters are experiencing harassment on almost an everyday basis. They can’t be blamed to not do anything about it because they simply don’t know in most cases. If they hear of it, they choose to believe that it doesn’t happen to their family members and that ‘it’s really not that bad’.

Unfortunately though, dear sirs, it IS that bad. If you don’t believe me, have a look here: Blank Noise Project.