“It’s not an everyday occurrence. It is not as bad as you make it out to be”, said a friend to me today after reading my last post. He lives in India and, obviously, is much in love with his homeland. Also, he is not someone who needs to resort to desperate means like the ’standard eve-teasers’ do to feel good about himself. He’s just your average good guy who minds his own business and doesn’t interfere in others’. For him, harassment of women on Indian streets is not that common an occurrence as I am making it out to be and hence not really that bad.
Despite my disagreement with him, I can understand where he is coming from. One, he is not a woman to have experienced it himself. Two, he hasn’t inflicted it on any woman himself; so he doesn’t think anyone else does it either.
Although I do understand his dilemma, I worry that there are so many others like him who might be thinking the same. They’re just not aware of the seriousness of the harassment problem merely because they are good people themselves and also because any talk of harassment is quickly hushed at homes. Daughters, if they do, talk to their mothers who hush the issue and advise the young ones to walk with arms folded across their chest next time. Fathers are mostly left unaware because you know what? Harassment ‘happens’. It’s ‘normal’. Why make a big deal of it? Women eventually just learn to cope with it themselves and life goes on.
I asked my husband today whether he knew about eve-teasing et al. He went to an IIT in India which happens to be primarily male-dominated. So he said, “I only really knew my sister in India but she obviously never told me anything. Only person I’ve heard it from is you when you go to India.” I was obviously shocked. He said he knew that it happened but he is completely unaware of the frequency or the intensity of it. Come to think of it, he lived a good two decades in India and he is not aware. I lived only a few years and I am more than aware. Being of a different gender makes all the difference eh?
Coming back to the friend, I asked him about what he thought of the two times that I was harassed during this recent trip to India and the few times during the last trip as well. He answered me by asking me to speak to the women I knew who lived in India. Umm how are they any different than I am, I wondered? Perhaps my body language is too ‘bold and inviting’? Perhaps because I don’t walk with my eyes glued to the road? Other than that, I look just the same as the rest. What’s the difference?
So I throw this question out to you ladies living in India:
Is sexual harassment on Indian streets almost an everyday occurrence or not? Do you not have to be on high alert to guard yourself strongly every time you step out? Do you not have to think about what you wear and how you walk just so that you don’t attract attention?
Because I always felt like I needed to be on guard in India when I lived there and when I visit there. Perhaps my perception is wrong. Please correct me.
Although I have put those questions out to you guys, I don’t find that any answers to those questions would affect the grimness of the issue at hand in any manner. How does it matter if street harassment is an everyday occurrence or only once in a lifetime? Even if a young girl is harassed once in her life, is it not bad enough?! It inculcates fears into her that are not healthy for her growth! It’s a fact. Even ONE incident is enough for her to start looking down on herself … her body … her mind … her perception of herself. She begins to question herself, her way of dressing, her choices, her wants, her desires, her dreams and begins to shape herself subconsciously to be someone who is not likely to get abused (as per her perception) and kills herself in the process. How terribly sad is that! If I had a young daughter entering her teens rite now in India, I’d be shaking with fear every time I had to send her out by herself. WHY?! Why does one have to live with this fear every day? It’s not fair! Repeat after me … NOT FAIR!
So yes, it IS as bad as I make it out to be dammit. It might take an ‘everyday occurrence’ for someone to take harassment seriously. For me, one incident in a lifetime is more than enough, thank you very much. The frequency of occurrence is really rendered immaterial. The impact left by one incident on one young mind can be much worse than impact left by 100s on another! I am surprized though that there are people who are still unaware of this taboo of a subject. Really surprized! I assumed everyone knew! I thought everyone knew that it happens quite regularly! Well, what do ya kno?! I was wrong! Though I do realize that I am to be blamed for not letting others know as well. When it happened to me, I kept it to myself and my close group of girl friends. We never told guy friends out of shame and never told parents out of fear. So, how can I expect them to know now?
This new piece of information gives me all the more reason to talk louder about it than ever. Please pass on the message. Please talk about the frequency of it if it helps make a better impact. More and more ‘decent’ people (read men) need to be made aware that their wives, sisters and daughters are experiencing harassment on almost an everyday basis. They can’t be blamed to not do anything about it because they simply don’t know in most cases. If they hear of it, they choose to believe that it doesn’t happen to their family members and that ‘it’s really not that bad’.
Unfortunately though, dear sirs, it IS that bad. If you don’t believe me, have a look here: Blank Noise Project.
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February 2, 2009 at 11:25 pm
Nita
It is an everyday occurrence except for those who travel in cars and move around in a different kind of social circle. I used to experience it every single time (this means each time) I traveled on public transport and walked on the city streets. The experience at best was rude and continuous staring, often brushing past, touching and at times molestation. I have had coloured balloons thrown at me and been hit on the back, have had my breasts and bottoms pinched, and worse.
Most incidents used to happen as I travelled to work, and i wore formal clothes like sarees and salwar kameezs. Incidents were less when I was in jeans and t-shirts as I used to go out with friends, in a group. These men target women who are alone.
As I grew older these incidents reduced (last 5 years) as I guess I look older. But all young sexy women are subject to this. It is an everyday occurrence. It is a very good point you brought out that men usually are not aware of the intensity of this. This is because our society is nto that sensitive to a woman’s pain. Some men think that if a man talks to your breasts, or simply leers, leches without touching, it’s no big deal. I feel uncomfortable if a man keeps staring at my breasts and experience it even today (I have good breasts!) as I take a courier or a letter from a postman. They cannot take their eyes off even though it’s properly covered in a duppatta! :) If a man doesn’t stare at your crotch or breasts, it’s unusual. Sorry to be so explicit Roop, but this is how it is.
I think men need to become objects and see how it feels to be treated as objects.
There was an experiment and counselling done by a social group about which I have written on my blog. Here the young men dressed up as women and the girls stared, made comments, and treated them generally the way they usually treat girls. At the end of 10 days, these boys were suitably ashamed and said they had not idea what it felt like!
So basically it’s not just lack of awareness, it’s lack of sensitivity.
And I feel women should speak about it more often. I regret that I didn’t earlier when it was happening with great frequency. It is not a subject I felt I could talk about with my younger brother or even father! I sort of felt it was trivial! How stupid of me! We women take so much, and do it with a smile. I love belonging to this strong sex! I am proud to be a strong, sensitive woman!
Thank you for sharing that, Nita. No you are not being explicit.
Heck, if they don’t have any shame in such outrageous violation of our personal space, why should we be quiet because it’d be too ‘explicit’ to say what happened to us? You are right though. We should love ourselves to be belonging to this strong sex that continues to live on with smiles despite every force in nature seeming to put us down. Thank you, N!
February 3, 2009 at 12:09 am
SMM
Roop, when I was leaving home at the age of 18 to go to college, my mom gave me a couple of pointers -
1) Don’t dress in short skirts and spaghettis – you may invite unnecessary comments
2) Don’t get too friendly with boy – it will give off wrong signals
3) Don’t take too many boys names before your local guaradian – they will get wrong ideas
Thereafter she said, that she was very ashamed of the fact that she had to give her daughter such pointers – but they were a necessary part of life. Till then, I had led a comparatively sheltered life so it had never occurred to em to be careful.
Roop, after the age of 18, I have stayed in Calcutta, Bombay & Pune. Never did I feel the need to be extra-careful. Maybe, because I stayed alone, I always practiced a certain amount of caution and had a good friend’s netowrk, but I never thought twice abnout clothes. As in, ya I wouldn’t wear a spaghetti and shorts to college, but I would readily wear it for a movie or for a trek. I have altered my halters with salwar-kurtas the next day.
Today, it is in Delhi & Gurgaon that I think twice and thrice about what to wear. I think a hundred times before I pick up a fight with some man on the road. earlier working till 10:30- 11 and then going partying was never an issue, but in Delhi after 8, I head home. I try not staying out late or attracting unnecessary attention when husband is traveling.
So yes, Roop, in Delhi it is something we expect everyday. It is sad statement but it is a fat, that when one of my friend’ got eve teased a few days back, he first thing I asked her was, “What were you wearing?”
You know, SMM, it makes me so angry just reading this. Anger, frustration, sadness … all combined into one … and I don’t know how to vent it. While this goes on, moral pundits are also beating women for not behaving themselves and when they apparently behave themselves, they’re getting molested anyway! ugh.
February 3, 2009 at 12:28 am
Namrata
Yes it is..and unlike what nita says..social circle does not matter..having a hi fi job..dosent help u shit when ur out on the streets as the streets are bad for every woman out there and u HAVE to be on the streets sometime. I have lives significant years studying/working in Delhi, bangalore, Hyderabad, Pune and Chennai…Delhi which is made out to be the worse..turned out acually better than the other cities..for m epersonally in terms of eve teasing /groping/lewd comments incidents…but i used to make my decent guy friends aware..oh basolutely…and this ..being vocal led to me walking on the streets with my head high and just ready to bash out at any-fuckin-body and led to a lot of rage inside me..guess what..I came to the US and my husband finds me too agrressive at times..well thats what the streets make u …
Namrata
Namrata: Before I read your last line about your husband finding you aggressive, y’know I sensed that aggression in your words myself too!! However, that aggression is not misplaced! more and more women need to be aggressive and upset about this mindless behavior on part of the assholes who indulge in it. sorry for my harsh words but, really, can any one of us write of the crap we’ve gone through without getting angry? I bet everyone who’s written on this page has felt emotions of rage and frustration while typing. Why should we have to go through this! Unfair!!!! Like life’s day to day struggles are not enough.
February 3, 2009 at 2:23 am
Nandini
Its worse than what you can imagine. At least in Delhi, NOIDA, Gurgaon etc.
In Mumbai, very rare very very rare actually. Delhi is truly surrealistically dangerous. The mind can’t even process the amount of danger and humiliation that the Delhi roads present.
I have lived in Delhi for 25 years of my life and was travelling in buses since I was 16.
And er…Nita, though I don’t doubt your intentions but not ONLY YOUNG and SEXY women face it. ALL WOMEN. Irrespective of whether or not they are conventionally sexy or not.
Roop, check http://blog.blanknoise.org/ to get more disturbed and yet have more hope
Nandini: Thanks for sharing that, mate. It’s scary just reading that. I can’t imagine what it would be like living there and traveling in buses. I really thank my stars for having been ’saved’. quite literally!!!
yeah .. blank noise does provide hope. let’s hope it makes strides! and i hope to make some contribution to it myself. india needs a strong woman lib movement!
February 3, 2009 at 7:17 am
Kriti
Oh…it is that bad, and worse! For the regular Indian female- age ranges from around 12 or 13 to 50 or 55- everyday is battle spent pushing, abusing or, worst of all, ignoring these men. After all, to shout or raise a fuss is just an invitation for trouble. If you ask a nearby police constable for help you’ll get the first-look-at-yourself-and see if you-didn’t-deserve-it look. If you choose to discuss the issue the inevitable question is “what were you wearing?” or, “are you sure you weren’t trying to provoke attention?” Why does it even matter what you were wearing, or not wearing? It is always the women who are questioned while no one lifts a finger to try to ask why men are depraved and cannot control themselves. I, myself, have been groped, pinched, etc. numerous times. On one a occasion a cop came up to a friend and me(I was wearing my school uniform skirt btw) and started asking all manner of questions- as he would ask prostitutes- ending by saying that if we were girls of “good families” we wouldn’t stay out so late-it was around 8 in the evening, in a peaceful residential area-and it was best to go home. All this while letching and leering suggestively! That’s India for you. However there are also good guys and men, it’s just that they’re a silent group…
Thanks Kriti. More I read, sadder I get. It’s like a Catch 22 innit? You get molested and then you get blamed for it. Better yet, women start to question themselves too. School uniform reminded me that now the school I went to in India has a salvaar kameez for uniform for grade 8ers and higher. How ridiculous is that! We indeed are traveling back in time!
February 3, 2009 at 8:39 am
Shefaly
As Nita points out, it is an everyday occurrence with some exceptions. I would add one more – when I was growing up in small-town India, eve-teasing was not so rampant. People know one another and they daren’t get complaints at home about themselves (if caught eve-teasing) or their sons, nephews etc. Loss of face is a bigger deal in small towns and not so much in big cities where people are nameless.
I was in the said small town recently. Like fewer than 10 days ago. I have been told before that I look like a ‘mem-saheb’ (whatever that means) but apart from briefly looking at my face, in the hope of a reaction, people did not stare or make obscene noises or gestures at all.
It is my hypothesis based on my experience. Others may have different experiences.
In Lucknow, which was a bigger town, I was shielded by my taller and prettier friends but I have once beaten an old man with my umbrella for molesting my friend. I was 17 and extremely short tempered and armed – with my umbrella. He was bleeding, touching her feet and mine (I admit I screamed at him to keep his hands away; he was old enough to have had grand-daughters our age). Police came, people collected in a mob but after that we walked in Hazrat Ganj with new respect. All through the remaining years out of 4.
In metros, I only ever lived as a working person, I lived alone. Travel/ transport was one of my biggest expenses. I took taxis or used my boss’s car and driver liberally. A nice man he was too, to indulge me. My colleagues also protected me (perks of being one of the rare women in an all-male industry). The nice men don’t discuss it – perhaps it makes them ashamed – but they do their best to offer protection. My experience again. Others mileage may vary.
Wow, Shef, it sounds like no one is spared. From the shortest to tallest … from those traveling in autos to those in high profile positions … every woman goes through the same experiences and develops a network of protection around her that suits her the best. without that network of protection, she’s vulnerable and can be preyed upon any time. scary scary thought. :(
February 3, 2009 at 11:10 am
Manpreet
Yes, I have suffered it too. I have travelled in public transport for a long time. But I have stamped on people’s feet, I have nudged them back with my elbow and yes, I have slapped a guy who happened to ‘accidentally’ brush his hand on my hip.
I have faced blank stares too when I asked the men concerned what their problem was. I have ‘made’ them aware by my unembarrassed loud words in buses and other public interaction spaces. Once, when such a sicko tried to brush his hand against my 17 year old sister-in-law’s breast, she was too shocked to react and I actually ran after him and tried to grab his shirt. Only he escaped and till date, I have not been able to forgive myself for letting him get away.
Roo, if at all anyone has to make a ‘blank’ noise, it should be those with blank stares. We are not embarrassed about the issue, they should be. As for your friend, people like him must come forward now to speak about it. I know a few and would do my bit as you are doing your bit.
lol i can actually imagine you running after the dude!!! I SO CAN! I wish i was there to see it happen though. Of course, i’d be running too!! changa kuttna si saale nu! you could’ve held him down while i’d jump on wherever it would hurt him the most.
February 3, 2009 at 11:56 am
maheshindersingh
When we, as males, seek a blanket apology from women who have suffered on the hands of any senseless male violence. We just want the women to feel that there ARE males who feel as sensitively about the issues as you all do. However, that should not mean that we corroborate or condone such violence against women. Any male, with an iota of self respect, would never feel that such a thing is not to be considered ‘normal’ or an ‘everyday occurrence’ just because he didn’t know about it. Ignorance is not an excuse.
You have hit the nail in the head, I will appreciate if you could come out with some solutions to this menace.
awww aren’t you sweet? Solution is simple. Every mother in every house must be respected. Fathers should respect their wives so that children learn from it. Daughters should be loved and respected as human beings and not a piece of property. Such education starts at home.
February 3, 2009 at 2:38 pm
disgusting double standards « banalities of life
[...] double standards I am literally overwhelmed with the response to this post. Thank you, ladies and err gent ;). While I am glad that women don’t fear to speak out [...]
February 3, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Laksh
Not sure how it is now but I grew up with my defensive instincts honed. I learnt to dress covered from neck to toe. Did not wear skirts after 6th grade. Held my bag/purse against my body as a weapon, carried sharp instruments in my bag. Learned to kick and stomp on gropers in crowded buses.
I did not dress “provocatively” or was not considered beautiful yet I was subject to ‘eve teasing’, groping and generally lewd behavior on the streets. Over time you learn to take it in your stride and lose a part of yourself in the process.
Thanks for writing Roop. I wish my life had been different. It was not.
February 4, 2009 at 1:01 am
La Vida Loca
yes, Yes and YES to all your qs. I really dont expect a guy to get it though! Even the N was all cavalier about it and I kicked a fuss.
I agree with the others- I can’t go back to live in India after this. I can’t think of bringing up my future potential daughter there either :(
The India I grew up in, was far better. Does it make sense? I could go to pubs, drink, have male buddies, ask them anything and the society left me alone.
February 4, 2009 at 2:53 am
Happy Kitten
Roop: I think no girl has been spared from this ordeal.. it does not matter how she dresses up. It is just the men taking out their frustrations on the women, since they are being allowed to. I hate when men stare at your breasts.. they think they are doing a favour. Since I stayed in a hostel, I dint have to use the public transport much but I had an experience once and it too crude to even write on the blog. There are preverts out there. My frnd used to carry a safety pin which she has used liberally and left her mark on many. This is in Trivandrum. But hear Bombay is different, or has that city changed too? But I dont understand why the capital city is thus.. they ought to be more liberated.
I think the situation was better earlier but now things are turning to worse.
Anyway thanks Roop for taking up these subjects so boldly. Girls are getting hurt and something ought to be done.
February 4, 2009 at 4:13 am
Poonam
I am not surprised to know that you got so many comments. Someone said it is bad in Delhi, it is. I used public transport a lot when I was in college. I learnt to kick the teasers, and I would cause ruckus. In fcat, once my cousin also pursued the teaser, who was running away, pulled him by back collar and shouted a aggrieved lecture in topmost voice. I would kick/shove instantly and speak out. My motto was to cause shame. In fact, teasing also happened in a charted bus, where a well-dressed ‘uncle’ who was thrice my age, an office goer, was sitting with his arms crossed in front of his chest. I was sitting adjacent to him. Well, aftter a while, I felt his fingers were trying to brush against my chest. And he was looking straight, sitting in same position. Angered I rose to his height, whispered in his ear, “unlce, lagte to nahi, pur aap ho bahut ghatia.” He reddenned, got up from the seat and vnever again sat adjacent to me. Charted buses are bus service that are for regulars. Now charted buses are not like regular buses, full with commuters as they charge more than local buses. And everyone knows the other by sight, at least. That uncle and likes stayed awy from me after that.
Today, when I work, I invest in my travel. I have not taken public buses for about 4-5 years now, for fear of being teased. Don’t plan to take them in future either.
February 4, 2009 at 11:32 am
Piper..
Roop, Kolkata is no better. Really. Travelling by public transport in Kolkata is positively scary! A nightmare really. Buses beat the standards by far. But even travelling by metro,during peak hours, is bad. The good part is that if a woman raises an alarm, atleast some would come forward to help you. Which I believe is not the case in Delhi, though I have no personal evidence to substantiate what I`m saying.
You know, its not all about actually groping. Leching,leering looks are equally bad, I feel. Even if I`m clothed from head to toe and I walk past a group of boys, I`m scared for the comments I might get to hear. For once, I feel free here in the U.S. Atleast that`s something I dont have to worry about.
February 4, 2009 at 6:07 pm
Vikram
Yes, this is a problem that needs some serious action. The urban women in India need to become politically active, if domestic workers can do it and Dalits can do it, so can educated working women, who pay taxes.
Blogging about it is the first step, but somewhere you girls have to make it into a concrete initiative. Because right now you are mostly reaching only, lets say ‘enlightened’ males.
Women of India have to fight, otherwise they will not gain freedom. Not everyone can migrate.
February 5, 2009 at 5:50 pm
anrosh
Roop, some men have no idea. Not all.
Have you ever wondered why the men of the family (mostly) lay down stricter rules. Generally men who lay down stricter rules for the girl family members are people who perform such illicit acts ( my assumption)
when I was may be 16, my younger brother who is much younger than me asked me, what will you do if sombody comes and puts his hand around you from behind ? I was aghast that he even asked this question !
And he told me exactly what to do. he also mentioned that boys are scared of girls who speak up ( he was in class 6th then). And he also said ” never be afraid to hit them back too”. he will be more shameful when a girl hits back. and mostly boys do not want to enter into a catfight . I was armed with knowledge from a kid younger than me !
so there you go…
Boys who have sisters know much of this because they talk to them or overhear their sisters.
on the other hand , my husband who is from a small town and studied in a campus environment after school have no idea about any of this.
my friends who are boys ( all 4 of them) have every idea what happens in buses and at train stations.
My dad has no idea at all of all this. On the other hand I had to fight with him that i would not go with him in a first class gents compartment ( this was in class 11th and 12th ) but will travel in a second class ladies compartment.
It is not a group fight. if men get bashed up at public places this will eventually decrease. Of course this bashing up is very familiar in bombay.
And one thing I understand is definitely not about the dress ones wear. some even won’t spare a girl who is wearing a dupatta.
vikram is correct – blogging is the first step.people who do such things don’t even want to read this !
February 5, 2009 at 5:59 pm
anrosh
corrected the last but one para:
and i thing i have understood is – ” it is definitely not about the dress you wear “. if they won’t spare a girl who is wearing a dupatta that is evidence enough.
February 6, 2009 at 8:32 pm
A Cynic in Wonderland
Yes. its common enuf. Mumbai where I have spent most of my working and college life is relatively better – though it happens there as well. I used to hate traveling to Delhi. You get down at the airport and the leering starts. You have to be inside by 7 o clock. Its just claustrophobic. You know after reading this I can think of so many instances off the top of my head ( if i think harder there will be more). Of the time i at 15 and my cousin at 14 were traveling to goa in a bus and we were on the first two seats some random guys came and sat down on the middle thing and started running their hands up and down our legs ( we were terrified of course – we were traveling alone and too young to make a fuss). I kept on kicking those assholes and then i told some aunty. What bugged me most I think is the fact that while that lady told the conductor to make sure those chaps didnt sit there – she wasnt mad, she didnt make a fuss. she told it to him so casually as if its a minor inconvinience . All these years later i STILL feel angry at her more than them I think.
February 6, 2009 at 11:02 pm
Reema
No man can imagine the daily stress an Indian girl has to go from the moment she steps out from home…the daily trauma, the feeling of being always on alert.
I can feel my face becoming grim and my whole body becoming taut with anticipation of a whistle or song or comment the moment I overtake a male person on road while driving.
My sister who lives in France now tells me how much different and relaxing it feels to go out and just have a walk on the street. The daily fear and stress really takes a toll on females back here in India.
February 8, 2009 at 9:26 pm
Monika
oh it is indeed a everyday occurence and NITA if if u are traveling in car…
i had done couple of posts on that leaving the link rather than typing everything
http://monikamanchanda15.blogspot.com/2006/09/blank-noise-project-couple-of-people.html
http://monikamanchanda15.blogspot.com/2008/11/i-never-ask-for-it.html