(This is going to be a long post)
In the last couple of days, we’ve scratched the surface of unfortunate incidents like the Mangalore pub attack, treatment of women on Indian streets, status of women as second-class citizens, and of women’s freedoms that are increasingly being compromised. We’ve agonized, vented, thrown heavy objects at a wall, kicked our shins, and screamed in frustration. Yet, we are left with no solution except to keep taking harassment sitting down and agonize, vent, throw stuff around, kick ourselves and scream when it happens to us again. Nothing would change unless we have real solutions to the problems we face. One of the commentators, Jasdeep, said something really valuable: there hasn’t been a strong enough women’s lib movement in India yet; perhaps it’s time for just that.
Change is inevitable in every society. There are always forces of good change and bad change in every society depending on what we perceive good and bad as. The change that’s currently making loud splashes in India is that of a handful of people attempting to reduce women from being human to inanimate objects (most likely for their personal gain: political or otherwise). For the sake of India, however, I wish I could say that their thoughts are noble and their ideas will definitely bring about a much needed healthy change required for a society to progress but, alas, history proves otherwise. Both ancient history and recent history show that civilizations that have treated women as human beings and have given them equal rights and freedoms as their male counterparts have fared better than societies where women were suppressed. Both men and women have to form equal partnerships to balance out each others’ strengths and weaknesses for a society to be healthy and in harmony. Beating one partner down will only result in an imbalance and chaos which is good for none and history has been witness to that.
Why then are some people still insistent on playing havoc with nature’s balance? Why are women getting beat for choosing to wear clothes that they want (thanks Nim for the link)? Why can’t they wear spaghetti strap shirts if they want to? I don’t see any women organizations protesting that they don’t want to see any shirtless pot-bellied, hairy legged men in lungis! Why are men getting agitated if a woman wears a skirt? One, because they can. Two, because women are not protesting on a large scale as they should be.
How can women protest, you ask? Well, for that, we need to understand why this is happening to deduce potential solutions.(Note: this is only relevant to India)
Reasons for the current drive towards suppression of women:
1. Economic Disparity resulting in Cultural Disparity
Over the past few years that India has seen an economic boom, it has been an uneven growth. Rich and middle-class have become richer while the poor have remain poor. Wealth hasn’t trickled down in majority of India yet. The disparity between rich and poor has increased tremendously. The gap hasn’t just remained of economics but it has also become a cultural gap. While the rich part of India has welcomed and embraced the Western lifestyle readily, the rest of India still has its women draped in nine-yard saris. Jeans and western wear is a part of life for the educated and the elite while it’s a sign of rebellion against family honor for the rest of the country. Such a disparity is bound to create friction between the two separated groups as it is being observed, for example the Mangalore pub incident. Uneven growth and development is harmful for any society.
2. Male Female Segregation
When I lived in india in mid-90s, male-female interaction was looked down upon severely. I was in a school in Ludhiana (Punjab) and my mother was often called to school by my teachers to be informed of my un-ladylike behavior. I used to hang out with boys in my class. None of the other girls would do that. I used to chat with boys, play sports with them, and just be friends with them. It was not approved by teachers, however, and I frequently got reprimanded. And this school is one of the best in Ludhiana. Even outside school if I was seen talking to a schoolmate (male), I’d be in trouble for someone would go tell my parents. Sometimes, even strangers thought it was their business to tell me that I should behave like a girl from a respected family and not spend time talking to ‘boys’. I was 13/14 around that time. Bloody h#@#, I was only talking!
I am not sure how times have changed now but, as far as I understand, dating still isn’t accepted by the culture. It’s still a taboo subject in majority of families. Young men and women (of non-elite/non-rich families) don’t mix socially but all of them are raging with hormones of youth so to speak. None of them get a chance to go through a mate-selection process (aka dating) that in a natural environment, every healthy young adult should go through. Males should get a chance to aggressively show off their skills to impress their female counterpart who in turn should have the opportunity to pick and choose her mate at her convenience. That’s how it works in any free society, doesn’t it? In America, for example, on Friday nights, various clubs give women free entry just because it would attract men. It’s in the club that mating-games happen. However, if that is restricted, eve-teasing on the streets is bound to happen.
Males need to show off their masculanity. They are young; they’re stupid; they’re wanting to be the alpha-dog in their peers plus their hormones are raging. That aside, segregation from females never gives them the chance to understand women and learn how they operate. They never get sensitized to women’s emotional leanings. For that reason, most of them don’t even realize that their words might hurt the opposite sex.
There are a few men who are sadists (every society has them) but majority of street eve-teasers are just frustrated men who need an avenue to vent their aggressiveness and they mostly don’t realize the damage that they are causing. One of the reasons for this pent-up frustration is male-female segregation in teenage/young adulthood. So, it really disheartens me when I read something like IHM wrote about: Rajasthan CM Ashok Gehlot wants to end the culture of boys and girls roaming around in malls holding hands.
3. Popular Culture and Family Influence
There are more than a few men who having lived in the same environment as their eve-teasing-peers don’t resort to such activities. That’s where importance of popular culture and positive influence of family values come into play. Observe if you may, any ‘decent’ man you would meet has had an upbringing with either a strong female figure in his house or with a strong bond with a female figure in the house. There are chances that there is a strong male figure in the house but he is someone who despite his dominant attitude is respectful towards females. Children learn from examples. A strong family value system wherein every member in the family is equally respected is bound to get fixed in a child’s mind and remain with him/her throughout adulthood.
Same is the case with popular culture. Sadly, the pop culture of today is that Ekta Kapoor projects on our televisions. Need I say more? Even in 2000s, films like Vivaah are becoming superhits. Many men are still seeking brides like the female protagonist of the film: one who wears salvaar kameez, speaks shyly, serves husband food, prays regularly, irons clothes for him and rest of the family etc etc. The film is ridden with cliches that are so far removed from our present day realities. Yet, those cliches are what we want to change our lives into. We find it difficult to accept that not everyone can be Poonam from Madhupur (female protag of Vivaah) and feel dejected in the process. That’s how much influence pop culture has on us. I am not blaming media since it only dishes what people want to see. It’s a catch-22 really but it would be nice to see some positive voice in the pop culture that keeps up with the current times.
Media/pop culture also sends mixed signals to young men and women in terms of issues like eve-teasing. On screen, it is shown in songs (atleast in 90s it was shown) that girls enjoy men teasing them and often give in to men who are persistent. Watch this (I use this song as an example because it was ’sung’ to me a few times and I felt like slapping every fool who sang it to me.):
After watching this, do you think a 16 year old young man would leave it behind in the theater? He wants to be like the hero and goes on the streets replicating the same behavior unaware of the distinction between fiction and real life. Last thing he’d think of is that he’s hurting a girl in midst of his heroics. All he knows is that the girl in the video enjoyed the attention and, at the end, the hero gets a kiss from her too. How would a 16 year old know that it’s not the same in real life? He’s only trying to be cool like his favorite actor. One event leads to another and (in addition to causes mentioned in #2) he becomes a chronic eve-teaser. Bingo.
(Boy that was long)
Now on to Solutions:
1. Wealth MUST trickle down. Development and growth MUST be evened out to reduce the clash of cultural values. The gap cannot be eliminated but it can be reduced.
2. Male – female segregation should be discouraged. Women and men of influence should be extremely vocal about this. Young males and females should be encouraged to intermix with peers their age in a healthy and a supportive manner.
3. Women in every household should speak up for their rights and freedoms. Change only begins at home. Every woman owes it to her children – both boys and girls – to teach them the importance of respecting everyone despite gender differences. In addition to that, men in the family should respect their wives and mothers and lead by example.
4. Popular culture needs to be revised. Women should voice their concern with the media’s negative portrayal of women and their reality. Rubbish like Ekta Kapoor serials should be denounced. News about women getting beat in pubs shouldn’t be the only news making to the mainstream media channels available for young impressionable minds to view. There should also be news of strong women and men opposing the attacks in order to provide a fair coverage.
5. On a personal level, if someone misbehaves with you on the street, try not to lose temper. Try and imagine that he is not aware of your feelings that are hurt. Instead of screaming back at him or throwing a shoe at him (which he might be expecting), try to ‘nicely’ tell him that his words hurt you. Make it known to him that it affected you so much that you might go home and cry. He might not react back to you at that moment. He might laugh at your face but he surely will think twice before hurting any other woman again.
That’s about it really.
If all else fails, I had a brilliant idea last night of forming Sita Sena on the lines of Gulabi Gang but a much more sophisticated and nationally operable version of it ;) heh. Those of you who don’t know about Gulabi Gang, it is a gang of women known for thrashing men who beat their wives, commit any atrocity against women in their family, and the gang is also in strict opposition of government officials who misuse their power. The Gulabi women have often taken law into their hands by beating police officers when they are being unfair. Read more about them here.
(If I haven’t answered your comments on previous posts, please understand why. :) This post took time!!! :) Thanks. I’ll try to answer soon though.)
Women in every household should speak up for their rights and freedoms. Change only begins at home. Every woman owes it to her children – both boys and girls – to teach them the importance of respecting everyone despite gender differences. In addition to that, men in the family should respect their wives and mothers and lead by example.
This is the most important point. If we all women took care to educate ooour boys and emnfolk, we would see a huge difference in society soon.
Amen Poonam!
“Women in every household should speak up for their rights and freedoms. Change only begins at home. Every woman owes it to her children – both boys and girls – to teach them the importance of respecting everyone despite gender differences.”
Aye to this!
Every woman should understand that it is not okay to be a doormat. She needs to speak up. What is the use of education if you don’t even use that in future and become a sacrificial lamb? Secondly, teach equal responsibilites to boys and girls. Let children learn making a bed or keeping their things at the right place from childhoos.
It is shameful to see mom and wife tending and running around the house taking care of everything.
I loved this post of yours. Positive again :) but still it is only applicable to certain strata of society.
yes sol, the only strata that needs to act! middle class.
I’m too happy these days for no apparent reason to mull over such serious stuff.
Pass.
D, after having written this, girl I’m with you too now. back to silly inane posts from the morrow :)
This is a fabulous post. I have read it once, but I am going to come back to it many times.
Many of these things I have meant to say but couldn’t. You have explained it all so well.
Let me a drop this link to someone who I think will benefit from it ..
To Gehlot, IHM??? :p i don’t think he’d even understand eh.
The politicians eat everyone’s money and then come back to teach everyone “moral values”. They are the real reason behind the economic disparity, and at the end of the day they still want to tell us how to lead our lives! Of course every point you’ve said here is completely valid, but ultimately if our honourable leaders actually work towards it sincerely the mess will be cleared up that much faster. In reality all they do is sit around thinking of ways to increase their vote banks, without doing any work, and any means to defame rival parties!
kriti: agreed. a good leader is needed … and to elect a good leader, we need an aware vote bank who are aware of their rights and freedoms. no to dirty politics.
Cannot not agree with you!
A lot of responsibility lies on ‘we men’!
I find the ‘popular culture and family influence’ most cogent reasoning. The family along with the society enforces gender stereotypes.
To tell you some personal experience, my mother and sister always worked in the kitchen (and I never did) and I didn’t realize what that meant for a long time!
Now that am a more reasonable man, I want to be a ‘domestic husband’; I really want to cook food, mop the floor and the like and want my woman to go to office!
Hope someday when I am wedlocked, ’she’ will not deprive me of these joys! Amen!
Nice post!
vikas: more than anything, i enjoyed your writing. :) u have something that a good writer has … don’t ask me what it is … i just know that you have it hehe … i ’sense’ it. :p
i don’t think it’d be too much of a problem finding a wife like that :p … if it fails though, u are more than welcome to come do my household chores and we’ll blog together! :D
This is a beautiful insightful post. I look forward to reading more………
Steady on.
Reggie Girl
RG: :)) you too !! steady on that is!! ;)
Good one! Obviously you have put in a lot of work on this post and it shines through. Enjoyed reading it and agree with what you say. With this one you have proved once again that there is quite some substance beneath all those ‘banalities’.
sagar: aww that’s very kind of u. i guess banalities get bored of themselves sometime and settle down as substance. awrite, that was really a stinker hehe … but im gonna let it stay … simply cuz it’s my blog! i can say what i want heehe! :D
This is the first time I landed here and loved reading this excellent post, it was just yesterday me and friend were talking about this, that we as Indian people in general have this idea that lets adjust to things and if there is something wrong let someone else raise voice against it. That attitude has to change!
Btw I liked the idea of forming the Gulabi Gang, I can be one of the members. :)
Suman, thanks darl … and HEY!! someone picked up on it!! U’re on, girl. :D Two members so far … i’ve got a broom in hand, wut’s ur weapon of choice? hehe
I agree with you, however, what gets my goat is that we need to do all these things at all. I am not one for inaction- indeed no- I speak up for myself and am as vocal as you make them. But the sheer injustice of this overwhelms me. As a woman, to be taken seriously, one has to expend energy, time, effort , money to try to even the playing field so much. We have to strive, we have to go out of our way to get decent treatment. It is like a treadmill, we run on and on, to stop going backwards. And in situations like the ones in India, we do not even know who will pull the rug from underneath our feet- the government does not care enough for us even as a vote bloc (the reason being women tend to vote where their families vote- not where their interests lie).
Sure we can work to make a difference in our lives- and we need to, but for the patriarchcal ways to be reaffirmed it takes very little effort. It is not a losing battle, but one with very little reward. Just felt I needed to be as practical about it as I could. And yes, fight we will, till we get what we deserve.
unfair eh!! Life would be so much different only we had opposite sex’s genit@#!@ …. how’d west overcome patriarchy to the degree it did although it still exists in so many ways.
Hi Roop
Sorry for joining the post late, and thanks for your kind words. This post is at the heart of what I always wanted every Indian woman to see. What it requires at least according to me is not a sita seva..or such. In Bangalore there is a police force dedicated to eve teasing called Hoysala, which has been quite misused. I have heard that there are complaint boxes in the Chennai railway way stations for this purpose, where a victim can give details while remaining anonymous. But I still think the objectives have not been achieved. What we need is not silence and anonymity, or delegate the task of protection to someone and forget our part in it. We need serious social messages reaching every female and male citizen through any means possible. That requires organization and money no doubt. But we need to make every girl aware that she is a victim and not a culprit(despite what her parents and society says) and every man, boy who does it is a criminal and not a cute hero. This education is seriously lacking in our society, and the government or society will not take it upon themselves. We need to do it as a collective. That is the beginning. We need it to spread to school level, where the teacher help in this moral education, not as a government introduced subject, but as a ethical social subject. What the populace does not learn from home, they need to learn from some other source, and I emphasize, that it would be foolish to expect some one to do it for us. We need to do it.
There, TR, you have all the ideas that need to start off a movement. It’s only a matter of someone doing it. Perhaps a group of us from here would do it. Atleast we’re all talking about it and ideas are forming …. whatever u wrote can be a mission .. a charter .. for an organization y’know. this is how big things begin. thanks for sharing.
Another brillant post..really appreciate the solutions especially ‘change begins at home’ part..there are positive advances in urban educated masses..but the point is can these aware ppl spread the word to the masses,ill educated , rural folks..i dont think so.. There is need of awareness trickle down..if not wealth..and women shud be the key participants in this act..and they are quite capable of doing it..
I am quite hopefull..and ppl like you can spearhead the change..circumstances are pervasive, collective action is needed..
Can Indian women fight on the streets for their rights ?
Dont know the answer, though they capable of doing it..
on a side note women hav played pivotal role in the success of micro finance (lead by muhammad younus) and so making their lives better..
Jas: we have to make them fight! they need to be instigated, woken up … they need a revolution!! how are we going to do it? we must … is all i can say for now … we have to.
I think it all starts with integrity and authenticity. It is not about men or women. Respect and dignity for any individual is the answer.
But sir … the problem is that a woman is not even considered as an individual … therein lies the problem. respect shall follow soon, yes, once acknowledgment of a woman as a human being happens.
Wow! I’m impressed. You seem to have covered all fronts with even solutions. I really hope someone could post this post in the newspapers.
Keep blogging!
Thank you, Biju. :) You know that is an idea there. Why don’t all of us submit pieces like this to news papers and magazines?
awesome!!!
:) you don’t know how much it pleases me to see young men as urself actually reading the feminist babble i come up with and actually agree with it too. thx mate.
Awesome points and solutions made there. I think it’s the first time someone has actualy sat down with a rational mind and actually thought about it. Most of us are still caught up in the outrage lol!
As much these ideas are good, you’re right – there needs to be some sort of action so that this unfairness can be obliterated once and for all :D
Need a female Obama I think (or even male) – Yes we CAN! :D :D :D
Roop, of course we need an aware vote bank! The only obstacle is illiteracy and ignorance, and the political parties in India are not going to even try to obliterate this because this way they get their votes without any effort on their part! I wouldn’t even mind joining politics if it made even an iota of difference, but it won’t. :(
Also I think the problem of moral policing arises from viewing a woman as a Mother/Sister/Wife/Daughter, etc. A lot of the comments that I’ve come across seem to say that a woman is Bharat Mata and all kind of bullshit. So I’d say the first hurdle here is actually making men see that women are humans with identities and minds of their own. Being a Mother is a part of a woman’s identity but not her whole identity. Wish I could tell this to those blinkered morons!
Anyway would love to be part of your gulabi gang a.k.a Sita Sena. First we’ll ty to use logic, but when all else fails, out come the brooms and chappals! Keep me updated :)
Got a lot to say on this, considering that this post was read while I was on a high.
But I would refrain from saying anything on here. Maybe on Chat, sometime, or maybe not.
I disagree on many points here. Yes, i do.
Yes the change has to be brought about by proper upbringing of our sons. Also media has to stop glorifying such acts as symbols of coolness.
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