Human first, Woman later
I’ve spent the last 10 minutes twiddling my thumbs and fingers while staring at the screen wondering whether I should write this post or not. I am both in the mood and not in the mood to write it. In the mood because I have all these thoughts parading in my head. Not in the mood because I have chores to do to be productive with my life. However, I am choosing to write because it’s best that I do chores after clearing my head, rite? Yes, right. I agree; so, you automatically agree. :D
The title of this post is a slogan that I am thinking of submitting to the campaign – AvalentineforIndia – which I am sure everyone in the blogworld is already aware of by now. I do think that it’s a great step forward and if it is carried out as it is being planned and projected, it could be encouragement for many of us to be more proactive. I wish I could be in Delhi and be a part of this movement. Since I cannot be there, I hope my slogan would be. :)
Human First, Woman Later!
Today, when I read the news that NCW rejected Ms. Nirmala Venkatesh’s report on Mangalore pub incident, I revisited her views that she made public. She had said: “The lesson to be learnt for women out of this incident is that we should try and safeguard ourselves.” Uh-huh. I am sure that almost all of us most likely squirmed in our chairs when we heard her say that. Again, the responsibility ends up being on the women to ‘safeguard’ themselves. From what and who? From Ram Sena goons? Or from the tight jeans that they wear for there is a risk of jeans devouring them whole? Ridiculous. Warnings were issued by Ram Sena goons that women who wore tight jeans and ‘noodle’ strapped shirts will face action. Better yet, they’ve also issued a warning that if they catch two lovers together on Valentine’s day, they’d forcibly marry them off. Sheer brilliance. Not just that, they’re also against inter-religion et inter-communal relationships. They made their stance on that clear when they kidnapped an MLA’s daughter when she was traveling in a public bus with her college-mate’s brother who happens to be Muslim. Although she was safely released along with her companion, her father reported:
the activists allegedly questioned his daughter for speaking to a Muslim boy. He alleged that his daughter had to “beg” and “touch their feet” to secure her release. She was released only after she promised that she would not commit the “mistake” again.
They threatened to take her life if she made the mistake again, he added.
[...]
The police official said the boy was beaten up before being set free. “He is safe now,” he added.
(Boy, my chances of getting beat up are sky-rocketing high if I lived in Karnataka. One, I wear jeans and ‘noodle straps’ rather comfortably. Two, I am a non-Hindu married to a Hindu. Dang, we’re both screwed.)
Are these the people who Ms. Venkatesh is advising women to safeguard themselves from? Did you say ‘no’? Oh she went and met them in jail and said that they were repenting what they did? Is that right? So she doesn’t blame them at all? She blames the pub instead, you said? Pub’s security was lax, eh? She’s right though. How is it the fault of moral police when there was no security in the pub to stop them from beating defenseless girls? They were charged up with the emotion of saving Indian culture after all. How dare you say that’s not an excuse? Ram Sena did what it did for the betterment of us women. We should be grateful and learn from this incident now to wear clothes that cover us completely and not go to pubs. That’s how we’ll safeguard ourselves from (?!? don’t know what ?!?) and maintain our Indian culture. Jai ho! Nirmala devi is great.
Believe it or not though, she most likely is not the only woman saying that. Most of our mothers would’ve said the same. The girls who got beat at the pub most likely got beat at their homes too by their parents after the incident because it is their fault that they were at a pub. They put themselves in that situation. They should’ve known better. I know that’s how my parents would react. That’s how my mother-in-law would react too, I am certain. Not the beating part but the accusation will be on the girl. That sums up one aspect of our great culture and society, ladies and gentlemen. Men suppress women and women suppress women too.
I was directed to a blog yesterday by Laksh where I read a poem that left me shaken for quite a while. I’ll share it with you. Titled Lullaby to a girl child, it is written by Srividya Srinivasan:
Lullaby to a Girl child
Don’t jump or run
What if you hurt yourself there?
Don’t bawl
Stifle the pain. Let the tears flow artistically down your cheeks.
Please
Don’t walk so tall and confident.
Look down
at the ground as you walk.
Don’t stare back
Instead lower your eyelids, shyly.
Pinch your cheek
Practice your blush for the compliments to come.
Giggle
Never laugh out loud.
Lower
Your voice. It should never be heard
Go deaf
Pretend you haven’t heard all that you do.
Hold your tongue
At any cost, never speak your mind.
Blank your mind
Don’t have any thoughts, opinions or ideas.
Bottle up
Your desires; you are his property and his slave.
Hide
your bosom, don’t jut it out, and don’t sway your hips
Close up
Sit demure. Don’t spread your legs.
Open up.
Be the vamp when he so desires.
Hide
Your intelligence and your rebellion and your revulsion.
Fake.
Your orgasm
Pray.
You get a baby boy the first time.
Sacrifice.
Your very identity to a stereotype
Yes dear, you would be just fine, you would be just fine,
Safe from the taliban, safe from the sena,
safe from the men that would be born
from our very wombs.
(copyright: Srividya Srinivasan. Feb 2009)
How true! How poignant! How weighty!
It’s sad how mothers don’t realize what they are inculcating into their daughters. It’s sad how generational conditioning is shaping the way both men and women think and very rarely does anyone raise questions. The very few times that someone does ask questions, he/she is shushed with justifications as inane as “patriarchal society is our culture; you must respect your roots and culture”. I am serious. I got it yesterday.
A gentleman who went to the same school as I did in India (although he completed his entire education there whilst most of mine was in Canada) emailed me yesterday upon reading my blog that I wrote on my ex-school changing their dress code to salvaar-kameez for girls from skirts that we had 10 years ago. The email-versation went as follows:
He: Are you suggesting that women who wear revealing clothes are more progressive than those in salvaar kameez?
Me: Sir, I never said that.
He: So why do you object to the change of dress code? I am in support of the change. It is our culture for women to be dressed in salvaar-kameez.
Me: There are boys too in the same school. Why are they still wearing the same western clothes? Shouldn’t their dress code also be changed if girls’ dress code is changed for ‘cultural’ reasons?
He: Well …
Me: Yes?
He: Well, it is a patriarchal society. That can’t change. Our culture demands for our society to remain patriarchal. That’s why our culture is so successful. It’s only because we have remained patriarchal.
Me: (using his tone) Are you suggesting that only Indian culture has succeeded and all other cultures where women were given equal treatment as men failed?
He: There’s no use arguing with someone like you. You would never understand and will always continue to disrespect our culture.
Me: If you don’t mind me saying, sir, I think it is you who is disrespecting my culture as I know it with your narrow-mindedness. Thanks for the email-versation. Ta.
And we haven’t email-versed since. :p Obviously, eh?
He is your typical young middle-class Indian male – 29 year old, software engr, settled in California with a doctor wife – with dreams and ambitions restricted to building a nice big house in suburbia and raising a family the ‘patriarchal’ err ‘cultural’ way. Good for him as long as he doesn’t impose it on me.
It’s this patriarchal attitude that’s been transferred to us from generation to generation and we are continuing to pass it on. Husband was telling me of a show that he watched on Discovery about tribals living in Amazon. In those tribals, the patriarchal model is also evident. Women complain that men don’t let them make any decisions and they feel suppressed. So, it’s human nature to suppress anyone who’s weaker and different. But, as a civilization, have we not got past that? Have we not realized and accepted that we should not discriminate against anyone based on external appearance, mental competence or physical strength? Then why are we still proudly stating that we are a patriarchal society when clearly it is a society that exploits and suppresses women only because they are weak in physical strength? How is patriarchy any different than racism? I am only throwing thoughts out. Chew on them. Talk to yourself. Talk to others. Question patriarchy. If racism is such a touchy issue, why isn’t patriarchy or matriarchy for that reason? Why can’t there be an equal-archy? A human-archy?
Also, another thing I wanted to mention: why do women fear the word ‘feminist’? I know many men who proudly flaunt themeselves as feminists but there are very few women who are able to say with confidence that they are feminists. Feminism really has earned itself a bad rep owing to what (again) the patriarchal society tells us. There was a local Women’s group in India in the community we lived in. They would address issues like domestic abuse among many others. That group only lasted a few weeks because people (read influential men) got it shut down. I was told by my father that all these women who do these things are equivalent to whores. They should know better and manage their own houses. It was not just my father who felt that way but the most of the community did. Women of organizations that work for women causes have no respect of majority in non-metropolitan India anyway. “All women who were loose in characters join these organizations to cover their bad ways” is what I used to be told growing up. I am sure that I believed that to be true at some point too. If I had continued to live in India and had I got an invitation to join one of the women organizations, I would’ve never done it. I would’ve much rather kept my house than voice any opinions because that’s not what good girls do, you see. That’s how badly brainwashed I was.
That’s not to say that there are no corrupt characters in those organizations. I’m sure there’s plenty who are only doing the ‘work’ to fleece their own kind but the generalization that’s given to them is exaggerated because of the patriarchy. Men are still in charge … and women let them. Similarly, feminism has been made synonymous with armpt-hair growing, bra burning, head shaven lesbians which is so not the truth in its entirety either. Every movement has its extreme elements but feminism as a definition is merely seeking equality of male and female gender. It’s a branch of liberalism. If you consider yourself a liberal, you are a feminist. No questions.
If you are a liberal, you are a feminist, you are a humanist … you are someone who believes that:
Human first, Woman later!
Are you with me?
Srividya’s poem touched my heart.
What started off as a mad sad Mangalore pub incident is getting out of control. Now the goons are going berserk – all those guys should not have been given bail. their arrests were a joke and this has added to the courage. i cannot imagine politicians including CMs and ex top cops supporting the idea of preserving ‘Indian culture’ by resorting to meaningless activities.
ranga: these top cops, CMs are also a part of the society that’s screwed up and is hellbent on maintaining the ‘patriarchal’ model which obviously benefits ‘men’ that all these CMs and top cops happen to be. that’s why it’s necessary for women to speak for themselves or forever be shut off.
Very nice written rimz. The whole progressive thing is a joke to make people like us feel better. The only genuine exception ( or used to be at any rate ) is mumbai. every other city it is not. The point is the halter tops and the what nots are not to safeguard the girls modesty – but to safeguard these assholes against temptation.
A: We might as well slip into burkas any time now or better yet, we should never get out of our houses and lie in some dark corner somewhere when we’re not serving the man of course.
Err. Roop. Can you make it Srinivasan and not Srinivasin? [ You have made my father sin twice ;-)] – Cheers – Vidya
Oops my bad. I kept him sinning all night too as I slept hehe.
very nice post. As for the inequality of man and women here is an interesting comment on my blog.
http://opinionsandexpressions.wordpress.com/2009/01/26/random-thoughts-on-republic-day/#comment-4710
Yeah, Reemz, I read that comment yesterday. The same person wrote something equally ridiculous on Nimmy’s blog too. Well, I guess like u did say in response, to each his/her own … just as long he/she doesn’t try imposing it on others by beating them :(
I am with you roop.
Loved the lullaby …
I really like all your new posts very much.
The kind of conversation you had, I face those too, and many of my posts are a result of such ridiculous and slightly ‘we refuse to think attitude’ conversations.
Thanks IHM! I’ll email you soon.
Absolutely Roop :) Thank you for sharing The Lullaby. It is a stark reminder of how it still is in most places here!
And well, a lot of schools that had skirts as uniform years ago are now switching over. Morality has spread its tentacles everywhere:(
Is that true, usha? *shaking head* I thought it was bad enough when I was growing up. This is ridiculous. I bet though that most people my parents’ generation are nodding their head vertically and going ‘good job’.
ABSOLUTELY!
Humans first!and such a heartbreaking poem…:(
and did you send off the jerk with a few choice words? *sigh*guess not…one has to be polite…
THank god you spoke of feminism..
I proudly say I am one….and I dont understand why so many of us fear the word so much….its like we have been told to hate ti …that its abd….we have been duped once more…yeah crossing my fingers and hoping that the Delhi march is a stupendous success…:)
aye aye Indyeah! I hope the Delhi one works as well. Fingers crossed. And yes u are right about being duped!! we are a patriarchal society after all . ;)
I agree with you Roop: Human first indeed!
I agree with your observation that many women (including in our own families) will have opinion similar to Ms Ventakatesh.
The Lullaby is ‘gagar me sagar’; I recall the film ‘Matrubhumi’, so painful!
The email is hilarious! Sometimes I feel the Indians in the US/West are more conservative/patriarchal.
Sometimes Indians don’t want to shed the dirt in our own culture or embrace the beauties in other cultures! Sometimes they beat their own trumpet and think themselves numero uno!
I am praying that a particular party loses the coming general elections (of course you can guess the name!) or these tendencies will never mitigate. But even the present party in power is not doing enough!
I recall this quote in connection with the email! : “you can take the man out of the village but never the village out of the man.” :lol:
P.S.: Allow me to introduce you to Heartcrossings: a single mother in the US. http://heartcrossings.blogspot.com I love her blog. The most recommended story is About two Loves and I which was a finalist for Sulekha valentine contest; I email this story to everyone. http://heartcrossings.blogspot.com/2005/02/about-two-loves-and-i.html
2. I am in Delhi but in all probability I will not visit the planned meeting of avalentineforindia!
3. Relax and don’t jump to replying or reading my blog. :)
This is why when you asked me if I considered myself a Feminist, I said no, I consider myself a Humanist.
It is not so because I am afraid of being labelled one, it is because ‘feminism’ to me is as limiting a term as the term ‘patriarchy’ is.
As for the dress code-While I do not support ‘only’ Salwar Kameez code for girl students in the said school ( and other so called convents in the city), at the same time I would not support only skirts/pants for girls-both the things stifle open choice. Constructively thinking, all that the school should be bothered about should be the colour of the pants/skirts-or Kameez salwars. Let the indivivual girls decide what they want to wear.
And I liked your stance on the Boys’ dress also being made traditional. I am actually laughing at the very thought of Grey Chaadraas and Turley walian turbans, hehehe and of course the loose kurtas. (of course only to be bought from Evershine waaley ;))
Mampiees, a few points:
1. No, I didn’t ask you because I wanted to quote you. I asked you because these thoughts were circling in my head, yes. Plus I am guilty of running away from the word feminist myself at times. I was going through a struggle with the concepts of feminism and patriarchy et all all day … and hence, i threw it out … and hence, i decided to write … cuz my head was getting clouded.
2. Feminism may sound limiting because it pertains to only women and the more political correct way of saying it is Humanism. I mean, as opposed to just fight for the equality of men and women, why not ask for equality of all humans? A very noble thought. I wouldn’t doubt the intentions one bit. In that case, however, the word ‘racism’ should be eliminated as well and ‘discrimination’ should be used instead.
Racism, patriarchy, sexism, suppression of rights of gay people etc. … they are all a part of discrimination. Just like that, feminism, gay-rights activism etc. are a part of humanism.
Saying that XYZ is a humanist is equivalent to saying that XYZ is terminally ill.
Saying that XYZ is a feminist is equivalent to saying that XYZ has cancer. The focus of the bigger problem is narrowed down. That’s all.
As a humanist, however, it is natural one to feel strongly only about one or two issues that encompass humanism. If I feel strongly about male-female equality, there were many before me who gave up lives for black-white equality. In today’s western world, when the need of ‘feminism’ is not all that strong, focus is on equality of members of society that are not mentally or physically on par (or even sexually on par so to speak) with the rest of us. In societies like India, on the other hand, I feel that ‘feminism’ is the need of society and more and more people should declare themselves feminists (which is a part of being humanists of course as discussed above).
It’s a struggle for weak members of our society to constantly fight for their rights. It has been like that throughout history. It’s unfortunate that women form a significant part of that ‘weak’ group. That’s just how our physiology is … naturally. Believing that women have equal rights as men despite the physical differences can be called humanism or it can also be referred to as feminism which is a sub-sect of humanism.
However, I personally prefer feminism when need be because it provides a focus and lets others be aware of our views pertaining to women: the gender we happen to belong to. Especially for those of us who are women who people respect and children listen to, I feel it’s all the more important for them to use the word ‘feminist’ especially in India at the mo. It’s a part of bringing about a change in the popular culture and societal views that are so needed. More we talk about it, more it becomes a reality.
3. Im more than cool with open-dress code. That’d be wicked cool :). My only objection is that why change it for girls and not for boys. The change is to ‘cover’ the girls up. Simple. Cultural dress – this that – reasons are all BS. Although I wouldn’t mind seeing Jai in a chaadra. :D
Well thought out post Roop as ever. Thanks for linking Vidya up. Here’s to revival of Unchaahi.
http://thetwentysecondline.blogspot.com/2008/11/21st-century-india-and-case-ism-that.html -
“ism”s and “ist” the problem.
I didn’t know where to send this reply hence cutting and pasting this from a solution that i posted on manju’s( of indiancabbagesandkings.blogspot.com) post “to be a woman”
And this is what i have to say:
there could be a solution to this double standards, eve teasing etc etc
And one would be sensitivity training (initiated at school ( role plays are very affective ).
this should be then extended to other sections of the society. ( i had actually conducted one of them for one of the police stations in bombay which drove home the point..)
Target population is MEN of all ages. ( nothing else is material, rich , poor, middle class etc etc)
this sensitivity training should be imparted (just like military training is compulsory for men in turkey ) on a national level.
this will also take care of women who raise their sons and daughters with double standards.
chow !
——–
anrosh: yep, i totally agree. i wouldnt mind this sensitivity training for women too … to help them believe in themselves and not reduce their self worth based on what they’re taught all their lives. but would govt do it? govt that’s ALSO comprised of indian men? there’s little hope. it would be awesome though, innit.
My school changed their dress too. I think it is a disease all schools have got now.
As for the feminist thing- bang on. Actually women who claim they are not feminist, should not be allowed to enjoy the benefits of feminism- voting, the right to own property, equal pay for equal work- what say?
Ally: that is a brilliant point. maybe I should ask Gargi dixit for her views on this. ;)
@Anrosh: Great idea! But the fact is that the Government of Karnataka is so deluded that they have banned sex education in the state though the centre has made it mandatory elsewhere. As somebody rightly said they believe sex education=blue films. They said sex education encourages perversion and immorality among the youth therefore the alternative is to have “moral” science classes! You can well imagine what they’ll be taught in these classes.
@Roop: Great post as usual. You’ve brought out the idea beautifully! Just wanted to ask you to check out this link and give your thoughts as to why the Government insists on keeping the Sena running.
The link is http://www.deccanherald.com/Content/Sep152008/state2008091490030.asp
Keep going!
kriti: Thanks love. As for the link, he needs his eyes ##($( … yeah fill in the #$#$#$ with anything you please. heh. I really don’t know how he must be treating his mother … hmm.
Would like it if you’d read this.
http://insidedisillusion.wordpress.com/2009/02/08/day-25/
Roop nice to see a post here. Hope you are feeling better.
That is a beautiful thing penned by Srividya. thanks for sharing with us. Kudos to Srividya for being bang on target.
I am a human who is a woman. I can’t seem to separate the identity simply because I am more emotional towards a lot of issues because of my gender and I am not stereotyping.
While I grew up we had skirts knee length. No one had any problem. Now I see everyone turning to Salwar and it got me thinking. Were we liberal and forward before? Are we turning back in time? On one hand we critique modernization and then here we see this dress code to keep girls safe. Sad! isn’t it?
Sol: yeaah … i mean it’s not a problem that they’re changing the dress codes … it’s the reason behind why they are doing it ! what’s next? girls have to be home schooled? ugh.
Right here w/ u
*yay on*
I agree w/ Solilo. Same situation in blore.
I had to wear salvar-kameez coz I was in dental school. Used to be a time when ppl had to wear sarees. This was an upgrade. :)
salvaar kameez are so much more comfortable than saris, that’s for sure! and then pants are even more comfier than salvaar kameez! shouldn’t comfort be the main factor here :/ … but then i could be wrong. i am not very ‘cultural’ y’see. :D
She had said: “The lesson to be learnt for women out of this incident is that we should try and safeguard ourselves.”
Wow!
I think it sounds better this way
Ladies, please do not scare these “brave” men.. they are so insecure that one cannot predict their reaction. They may molest you, they may clothe you, they may even marry you off.. But please bear it all in the name of Indian Culture and to uphold the missing “manliness”.
But then I am so glad that majority of men differ and that the present generation is stronger.
Roop, yet another great creation from you.
HK: I gotta confess that I always get overexcited to see ur comment. heh u’re always so kind. thanks.
It’s ironic isn’t it? They call themselves the protectors … the men … and go about hurting those who are weaker. shame!
In a country where a centuries-old mosque can be razed to the ground in the name of Sri Ram, to ‘correct a historic wrong’ and where thousands of innocents can be slaughtered in His name every now and then, what’s the big deal about a few youngsters being pushed around and/or slapped by the Sri Ram Sena?
ss: given that, thousands that were killed in 1984 should be all forgotten too. no big deal. another event in the list of many. just numbers.
A wonderful piece.
The poem is so true…and touches each element which is imbibed into the daughters of India.
When you say that all mothers in India would be chastening their daughters, I completely agree with this. When the society revolts against what a girl does, it is wrong. The mother will only ensure that the girl is doing what the society demands. It is never what she wants and what is right.
aathira: sadly, apparently, society only demands what is ‘right’. :(
You are bang on!
Not a single girl must have come forward reeling as they must be under lectures of “you have bought it on yourself” and “social shame”.
Who is to decide what culture means to me. For me it would be humane behaviour and not beating up women. Oops that may just mean I destroying the civilizations old Indian one of keeping women under the thumb!
wsw: exactly. it’d be nice if ppl started adhering to ‘humanity’ rather than ‘culture’ … but that would mean unity rite … and power only comes with divisiveness … so the wars continue. :/
Ohh and totaly missed out
@SriVidya-awesome work!Chillingly beautiful!
Hey Roop, new post means you feel better. That lullaby scared me. I don’t ever want to say that to any daughter I’ll have in the future. And that MCP jerk!
BTW, I’m still waiting for your mail…
heyy surbh: yeah feeling as better as i can … hangin in there for now … cant’ wait to go back to running and doing the regular things people are supposed to do y’kno. :(
Its a big post, its a good post.
much better than others i read over the issue of mangalore.
Anyways, i am not feminist, i am individualist, that is I consider Individual human first and everything else later.
So, although my input about the issue of feminism/male-chauvinism is both are wrong in current scenario.
If feminists want to establish equality, they cannot do it by making unequal laws, otherwise some of women like you were mentioning will ruin the system.
gargi: thanks mate. what do you mean by feminists making ‘unequal laws’? curious :)
One of your best posts to date, I’d say. And yes, am with you.
I should get out and do a post no? Dammit.
Nandi: It’s amazing how I keep outdoing myself! hehehe jk. thanks darl!
that lullaby was very touching and i know what u mean…
i used to step out of the house as i feel but from sometime N tells me to be careful because he cares he is afraid, afraid that if i step out i my skirts, jeans and noodle straps in blore he doesnt know what will come of it
and feminism is a very important word with loads and loads of negative publicity these days… we need equality thats what we want and call us whatever i dont care… all i care is for equality
BTW forgot to add, u are right in saying more of our mothers would agree with her… i actually did a check but just chatting up with 10 women abt that age abt the manglore incident and pink chaddi campaign and guess what 9/10 said that the girls shouldn’t have gone there its not a good girls to do
Hey Roop, hope you’re feeling better. I’m linking this post to mine; it makes a lot of sense!
hey .. True.. very true..
Hi..
couldn’t agree with u more..
Have written something on similar grounds …
http://arnavspeaks.blogspot.com/2007/08/wake-up-india.html
http://arnavspeaks.blogspot.com/2007/01/food-for-thought.html
http://arnavspeaks.blogspot.com/2008/07/are-we-numb.html