now you be a good girl, ok?

Just when I mentioned that I had nothing to be sad about, I spend a night in agony over something someone said. My aunt called me yesterday to check on me and my health. I can’t reveal the details of my conversation with her or the context of the conversation here for obvious privacy reasons but, as one part of the conversation, she proudly gloated about her 25 year old daughter being the perfect daughter-in-law material. “I had a friend over,” said the Aunt, “and she was so impressed by my Sita (name changed) who does everything as I tell her, doesn’t ever speak back to me or her father, always asks her father to make her decisions and even if we yell or scream at her in front of people, she never reacts. My friend was very impressed. She told me that whichever house Sita goes to will be a blessed house because the girl has no voice. I am very blessed to have such a brilliant daughter.”  Me being me, I couldn’t help myself but say, “If I ever have a son, I’d happily pray to all the Gods required every day at the exact assigned times as needed if that ensures that he won’t ever marry a girl with no voice. I’d really rather not have a perfect daughter in law.”

Of course, the Aunt just scoffed at my stupidity. “What? Look at Jassi (another esteemed member of our family/in her fifties now/name changed),” she continued, “only God knows how much misery she has gone through all her life at the hands of her in-laws and her husband, but she never once spoke up. She maintained her family’s izzat (honor). She suffered all the agony silently. She is the type of a woman who deserves to be idolized. We should be drinking water that washes her feet.” My nausea had kicked in by that point, and the nausea had nothing to do with pregnancy, let me assure you that.  ”And made her kids suffer the agony with her,” I piped in but was ignored. “She kept her family intact. She made sure that her kids had a father”, dear Aunt went on, (“Yeah, an abusive father, sure yes, do go on”, I was thinking as she spoke) “Of course, I would not wish such a miserable family upon Sita, but I will be very proud of her if she handled herself the way Jassi did.” I think that’s when camel’s back finally broke and I made an excuse of suddenly having an instant need to feed myself a meal that’d take intensive preparation during which I could not be on the phone.

I am tired. Really. I am tired tired tired. Tired of fighting the same battle which I keep losing over and over again. Certainly, I only have control on my own life and I did what I could to live it by my rules and ethics, but Sitas around me continue to bother me. I know Sita. Even if she loved someone, she would never have the strength to stand up to her parents if they disapproved of him. She’ll agree to their decision immediately, and quietly retreat into her shell that she is comfortable within. She has convinced herself that her parents (and other authority figures in her life) know better for her than she does herself. She runs away from conflict by opting for the easy route of following an authority figure rather than having her own opinion and sticking by it. And she is not the only one doing that. There are so many women of her/our/my generation doing the same. Young, educated, in a ‘liberated’ country so to speak, they still follow the same path that their mothers did 25 years ago seeing it as the only path to a successful life as a good wife, a good mother, and a good daughter in law.

A friend of mine was telling me about her cousin. Of Indian origin. 25 year old as well. An engineer by profession. Married to an engineer. Lives in the US. And under duress for being pregnant with a girl. Because her mother-in-law wanted a son.

My first reaction was obviously of shock. Not because her mother-in-law wanted a son (no big shocker there anymore). But because this girl was letting her mother in law’s opinion affect her pregnancy. Why couldn’t she just tell her mother-in-law to mind her own business? And what about her husband? What was he doing during all of this ? Did he not think it wise to stand up for his wife? What right does his mother have to desire a son from his wife? When the heck are we going to get out of this depraved mindset? I really thought that ours was the generation that’d bring about the change, but most of us still continue to be the same as our mothers and grandmothers were years ago. That makes me tired. Real tired. I don’t want to fight this fight anymore that many don’t even understand. The decisions I made in my life, the actions I took, majority around me – family and otherwise – choose not to see the justification behind. What I say is not the norm, and hence, it is not correct.

When I say that I shall not feel sorry for Jassi for a lot of the misery that she endured because it was a result of the choices that she made, I’m made out to be a heartless monster. Why should I be sorry though? Why should I respect her for suffering abuse when she could’ve made the choice to not suffer it? The maximum that I feel for her is sympathy that she got stuck in a very unfortunate situation out of which getting out would’ve been very tough for her. But she could’ve made the choice of getting out which she didn’t. She chose to stay and suffer because she was afraid that her situation would worsen if she got out. Perhaps it might have been worse on the outside, but had she made that choice, that would’ve earned my respect. Living with abuse shall not. And I cannot compromise with that stance. Neither do I feel that I must justify it anymore to anyone accusing me of being heartless and not knowing how to respect my culture. Culture. ha! What a joke. Beat a woman to submission and let culture cover it up. Of course though, if a woman is willing to bite on that bait, why wouldn’t it be used? Women bit on it in my mother’s generation, and women are doing it today too. It is exhausting to even think about it.

Another instance that comes to mind. When I went back to Canada a couple of years ago, I went out for dinner with friends including two guy friends. We’d invited this another newly married, our age AND educated friend D of ours out for dinner as well. At the last moment, she declined the offer because her husband was not comfortable with her coming out with men. Of course, I didn’t say anything to her but I could not shake it off for days that she’d willingly listened to her husband. Another mutual friend of ours (let’s call her S/also our age and a career woman) ‘explained’ to me that she respected D because she had chosen to listen to her husband rather than fight with him and jeopordize her marriage. Sure, fine, I am all for compromises in a marriage. That’s the only way to a healthy relationship, but isn’t it a tad extreme that a husband has a say on who you choose to associate with? Does he not trust you to make the right decisions for yourself? Why does he need to baby you? And why would you let him baby you? If I was D, I wouldn’t fight with Pati but sit with him to find out his concerns for his wishes, address his concerns, and then chalk out a compromise. But, of course, I am wrong. Every relationship is different, like my friend S advised me, and a woman needs to learn to give in to make it successful. Did I not say that I am too tired to even fight it anymore?

All I hope for now is that I can infuse enough self confidence into my daughter that she never feels burdened to be somebody who she is not. I would want her to develop her own personality and not tow a line that generations before her have been made to tow. I’d hope for her to be able to stand up for what she believes is right and not be afraid of being outcasted by her own people. Regardless of how wrong the world thinks of her actions, if she is not hurting anyone or herself with them, I want her to know that I’ll always be there to support her. And even if her actions do end up hurting her, I want her to be assured that she can always come to me for a hug and encouragement to keep going. No matter what the circumstance, I would never want her to not have a voice. That’s all I can hope for now.

As for others, I feel … tired.

PS: This post is for you, AHK. Thanks for pushing me out of slumber.

Edited to add: 

Please go read what Iya and Smitha have to say on the same topic.