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when …
1. your husband tries to cheer you up with an offer of skirt-shopping as opposed to chocolate-hogging. :D
2. you run into a building with dazed eyes from being out in the sun too long and walk into an elevator semi-consciously … and a lady in the elevator asks you out of courtesy, “What floor?” … you are quick to smile back and say, “Yes, four.” 2 seconds later, as you regain senses, you look at her with a confused look and ask, “How’d you know I was going to fourth floor?” She laughs and replies that she asked you “what floor” …. not “what FOUR”. blah. summery eyed roopie.
3. you are so thirsty that you crave for coke as opposed to the good ol H2O … and since due to health reasons, you don’t stock any coke at home, you walk uninvited into your neighbor’s house, raid his fridge, grab a couple of cokes, and walk out thanking him for his hospitality whilst feeling good about not making him do the work of answering the door and getting you the coke himself. ;D
aiteeeeeeeeeeee I is back! I wasn’t gone too long in any case. I need this place, man. I need to write. I have too many things going on in this cuckoo-nest of a head. Have to write ‘em out. :)
Last two days have been one of the worst I’ve ever had. It’s really not cool when all you want to do is hide yourself in any dark corner you can fit yourself in and hope that no one sees you. Worse is when someone tells you that it’s all in your head. Would you say that it’s all in your head and that it can be rid of with a strong resolve when someone has brain-cancer? Then why are feelings of depression reduced to it being ‘just all in the head’?
Yeh, I have no shame admitting it. Yeh, I do have anxiety and depression which props up occasionally (once every 3-6 months). Yeh, I also have no problems admitting that the lovely parenting I had is most likely at fault if not genetics. Either way, it’s their fault. I also know that they will never admit it and I don’t expect them to admit it anymore. All I want is to get my past behind me and move on with my life … which, to a large extent, has happened. The frequency of me feeling miserable has reduced remarkably … and now I am more in control of how I feel.
It didn’t happen overnight. It was a LOT of work. I had to work really hard. I still have to and I know that I have a long way to go. Breaking involuntary responses that my nervous system learned over 25 years of fear-based classical conditioning will take some time but we are getting there. I include P in the ‘we’ because without him, I’d still be where I was 2 years ago.
Anyway, enough of this, we gotta revert back to happy-happy-joyness. :) No more sad talk. We gotta talk of happy things and be happy. :) … Let’s drink to happiness tonight! Water’s fine too. ;) Let’s collectively count our blessings and dismiss all sources of sadness and anxiety. It’s a lovely day out. P’s here and I shall drag him out for a walk. ;)
Until next time …
your truly :)
it’s here!! :)
Rani Mukerji’s birthday ;) Roo’s celebration of the best commitment that she has ever made! :)) Officially two years old! :)
Thank you for all your wishes, guys! :))
We leave for our mini getaway in a few hours. I should get some shut-eye. This evening was busy. A cousin from Toronto decided to surprize us with a visit! And guess what she says when she first sees me, “WOW! You’ve filled in quite nicely! You look so different! Gained weight and all!” Blah! What a conversation starter! Deflate Roo’s ego on an important evening hehe. Nah, she’s excused. She saw me after 14 years!! I was still a freckly teenager when she had seen me last. Lots has changed since. She is a mother to a 4 year old cutest little girl now. Her eyes have sunk in due to family issues that she is going through. She looks much older than her 33. I couldn’t believe that this was the same girl who was getting chased by every eligible bachelor in her town in India and around. She was an established fashion designer. She had walked catwalks. She had various modeling offers lined up. She had it all going for her … but she let it go for a man who she followed to Canada. 7 years later, she’s still in that marriage trying to ‘make it work’. She had a kid with him because she thought that would help the relationship (agh, how many women will fall into that trap?) Of course, it didn’t help. But she stays on … because she wants her daughter to have a father.
Tonight, after she left us post-dinner, I was feeling bad for her and said to P casually that life is so harsh sometimes. He replied quite practically, “She is where she is today because of the choices she made. Life presents all of us with challenges but it’s up to us to make choices that will keep our life simple and without unnecessary burdens and complications. She could’ve chosen not to marry him.”
“How could she have known, P?” I asked.
“Well, when did find out, she should’ve left him because she had the support of her family who were encouraging her to leave him. Why didn’t she?”
“Because it is really not that simple and straightforward, P.” I went on with my reasons … Here’s a detailed answer to why victims stay with their abusers.
P listened and empathized. For someone who has never experienced domestic violence, the question of why a victim stays with an abusive partner can be very difficult to understand.
It’s tough that her life is the way it is but she is making the best of it that she can for now. I hope that she can find true happiness in her future and not have to hide her premature wrinkles by excessive pretend-laughing as she does now.
With that thought, I sign off … thankful for all that I have … hopeful that it will only get better … and wishing for the same for you, dear reader.
Thanks for your company, guys. :) See you after the w/end.
Edited to add:
I feel terrible for not having done a romantic countdown especially since I had promised myself … argh … btu shall try upon return. :|
Yep, you read it right.
I am pissed off today.
It doesn’t happen often.
But it happened today.
I am really pissed.
Pissed because of a Punjabi song that’s currently making the popular rounds. It’s being regularly featured in the party circuit. No, the song didn’t piss me off on its own. What pissed me off is that people are accepting this song with full vigor and I, on the other hand, feel like slapping the singer, the writer, and the entire team associated with this ridiculous song!
The setting for the song is a club where a guy holds a girl’s arm and when she is visibly offended, he justifies with the lyrics:
‘hoya ki je nachdi di baanh farh layi, daaka taan nahi maarya
oh taan sanu jachh gayi si taan farh layi, daaka taan nahi maarya‘
Translated as:
‘what if I held your arm when you were dancing, it’s not like I committed robbery
it’s just that you appealed to me n that made me grab your arm, it’s not like I committed robbery‘
WHA the f&%^! Rest of the song lyrics are not any better. Remember our discussion about the role of media in popular culture and how media encourages acts like ‘eve-teasing’. Well, this is another example! How is this song any different from a roadside romeo justifying:
‘So what if I called you ’sexy’, it’s not like I robbed you’
‘So what if I brushed my hand by your arm, it’s not like I robbed you’
‘So what if I groped you, it’s not like I robbed you’
‘So what if I slapped you, it’s not like I raped you’
‘So what if I raped you, it’s not like I killed you’
WTF? Where does it end?
What surprized me the most was a friend (a lady who lives in Punjab) defending her liking for this song because it is just a song for her and nothing else. How can anyone overlook the lyrics? How can anyone overlook the contribution lyrics as such make to popular culture that is adopted by every impressionable young mind? Why should anyone who accepts such nonsense in the name of ‘just a song’ complain tomorrow when his/her daughter gets misbehaved with?
Songs and poetry in every generation have championed many causes to uplift the disadvantaged. Songs have the power to do that. They have the power to move the masses both in a positive and a negative direction. Never underestimate the strength of ‘just a song’. They are what form the popular culture that we subconsciously adopt. It’s never ‘just a song’ (if popular). It becomes a powerful medium of brainwashing.
We (me, P, and 2 cousins) went to a dance club in Chandigarh last year (Dec 2007). I hadn’t yet even set my foot in when P (who was ahead of me) turned to me and told me that we were leaving. I didn’t question him or my cousin (who was also with P) at that time but, later on, they told me that the first thing they saw was two girls in the middle of a group of men getting harassed. Now if these girls or their parents who are OK with songs that are ‘just songs’ complain about such rowdy behavior, I really wouldn’t know what to say. Why don’t they speak up when they should? Why not nip the devil in the bud before it eats you up? Why not rectify the culture itself rather than dealing with the consequences? Why hide women behind bars and let such ridiculous nonsense permeate through the media convincing young men that it’s OKAY to hold any woman’s arm as long as you aren’t robbing her? And convincing every young woman that it’s OKAY for a man to hold your arm as long as he loves you? Ridiculous! Same as it’s OKAY for a man to slap you once a while as long as he loves you! How skewed is that logic!
The friend who defended the song as ‘just a song’ also said:
“why should YOU BE Bothered if she likes it
what is good for u is not good for her
so?”
Heck I AM bothered! cuz I have to suffer the consequences too! If some dimwit of a woman likes being harassed, I AM bothered! Cuz I don’t want any ass harassing me assuming that I WILL LIKE IT TOO! Cuz surely I don’t! I enjoy dancing. I go out and dance. I don’t want any asshole coming and holding my arm unless I give him permission to. It’s my body and I have every right to it. For me, it IS equivalent to a robbery if someone invades my personal space without my permission. And if there is a numb-headed bimbo putting up with harassment around me somewhere (cuz it makes her feel wanted – bs), I will speak up! It would BOTHER me! Cuz the guy bothering her now would think it is also okay to bother me cuz she is only encouraging him by being ‘okay’ with his advances!
I (like every woman) have had plenty guys in my life who’ve expressed love to me at various points of my life. Out of them all, there was only one who had physically imposed himself on me to tell me that he loved me. That was in Grade 8, believe it or not. He held my wrist. I’d never felt so violated before. I didn’t feel anything for him and was shocked at his impertinence. Had I been older, I might’ve known how to react appropriately but, at that time, I let out a violent scream. It scared the wits out of him and all his love for me disappeared from that moment on as well. I never saw him again.
From that moment, one thing was surely clear for me: I would not be putting up with a man who doesn’t know how to respect my boundaries. Luckily, I never had to verbally impose that rule on anyone I had the chance to interact with and be friends with there on. It was understood that my private space is to be respected. (Note: The Grade 8 incident had happened in India. Rest of them were all in Canada.)
To sum up, if someone tries to hold my arm when I don’t want him to, he better get ready for an aimed kick in his balls. Not my fault. It is only a learned reaction to unwanted touch which was taught in a self-defence class that I once took. :/
Oh, before I forget and publish this post, the song video (please note that the girl is ‘enjoying’ being harassed):
Roo’s gotta eat now. More later as it occurs to me.
And hey, Happy belated Holi, guys! :)
Currently helping with a fundraiser for a South Asian non-profit organization for families suffering with domestic abuse. An awesome way to celebrate women’s day. Met some absolutely amazing men and women. A pic of me animatedly in a ‘constructive’ argument (as usual hehe) with a gentleman I met. Discussing nature vs nurture in relation to abusive behavior. :p. (yay Iphone blogging)
In bed at the mo. Writing from phone. Just finished watching Delhi-6.
Review: crap, some more crap and then some more.
Is it weird that a film like Slumdog Millionaire made me want to visit India and Delhi-6 pleads with me to stay away? What a horrible film! Bored me throughout! Camerawork is terriibly amateurish. Even Taj Mahal didn’t look good in the film. How tough is it to make THE Taj glow on screen? Editing leaves much to be desired. All frames are incoherently put together. Song picturizations make you want to cry tears of agony. Abhishek’s fake American accent had me grating my teeth. Sonam is cute. Rishi’s character is pointless and so are most of others. No character is introduced properly. They are all just pushed on to the viewer.
Ugh when will I get to watch a good film out of an Indian director! Even masala nonsense like Billu fares better than Delhi-6.
Verdict: only watch it if you are familiar with Delhi.
Dud!
Today, when discussing with a friend about adoption (I don’t know if I can mention friend’s name), we were talking about how nurture can mold a child’s personality and compensate for nature if need be. Then I came across this video:
A must watch. WOW! Sure to shake up toughest of hearts, isn’t it? What do you say? Nature vs. Nurture? What wins? Especially those of you who are parents, what do you think?
(This is going to be a long post)
In the last couple of days, we’ve scratched the surface of unfortunate incidents like the Mangalore pub attack, treatment of women on Indian streets, status of women as second-class citizens, and of women’s freedoms that are increasingly being compromised. We’ve agonized, vented, thrown heavy objects at a wall, kicked our shins, and screamed in frustration. Yet, we are left with no solution except to keep taking harassment sitting down and agonize, vent, throw stuff around, kick ourselves and scream when it happens to us again. Nothing would change unless we have real solutions to the problems we face. One of the commentators, Jasdeep, said something really valuable: there hasn’t been a strong enough women’s lib movement in India yet; perhaps it’s time for just that.
Change is inevitable in every society. There are always forces of good change and bad change in every society depending on what we perceive good and bad as. The change that’s currently making loud splashes in India is that of a handful of people attempting to reduce women from being human to inanimate objects (most likely for their personal gain: political or otherwise). For the sake of India, however, I wish I could say that their thoughts are noble and their ideas will definitely bring about a much needed healthy change required for a society to progress but, alas, history proves otherwise. Both ancient history and recent history show that civilizations that have treated women as human beings and have given them equal rights and freedoms as their male counterparts have fared better than societies where women were suppressed. Both men and women have to form equal partnerships to balance out each others’ strengths and weaknesses for a society to be healthy and in harmony. Beating one partner down will only result in an imbalance and chaos which is good for none and history has been witness to that.
Why then are some people still insistent on playing havoc with nature’s balance? Why are women getting beat for choosing to wear clothes that they want (thanks Nim for the link)? Why can’t they wear spaghetti strap shirts if they want to? I don’t see any women organizations protesting that they don’t want to see any shirtless pot-bellied, hairy legged men in lungis! Why are men getting agitated if a woman wears a skirt? One, because they can. Two, because women are not protesting on a large scale as they should be.
How can women protest, you ask? Well, for that, we need to understand why this is happening to deduce potential solutions.(Note: this is only relevant to India)
Reasons for the current drive towards suppression of women:
1. Economic Disparity resulting in Cultural Disparity
Over the past few years that India has seen an economic boom, it has been an uneven growth. Rich and middle-class have become richer while the poor have remain poor. Wealth hasn’t trickled down in majority of India yet. The disparity between rich and poor has increased tremendously. The gap hasn’t just remained of economics but it has also become a cultural gap. While the rich part of India has welcomed and embraced the Western lifestyle readily, the rest of India still has its women draped in nine-yard saris. Jeans and western wear is a part of life for the educated and the elite while it’s a sign of rebellion against family honor for the rest of the country. Such a disparity is bound to create friction between the two separated groups as it is being observed, for example the Mangalore pub incident. Uneven growth and development is harmful for any society.
2. Male Female Segregation
When I lived in india in mid-90s, male-female interaction was looked down upon severely. I was in a school in Ludhiana (Punjab) and my mother was often called to school by my teachers to be informed of my un-ladylike behavior. I used to hang out with boys in my class. None of the other girls would do that. I used to chat with boys, play sports with them, and just be friends with them. It was not approved by teachers, however, and I frequently got reprimanded. And this school is one of the best in Ludhiana. Even outside school if I was seen talking to a schoolmate (male), I’d be in trouble for someone would go tell my parents. Sometimes, even strangers thought it was their business to tell me that I should behave like a girl from a respected family and not spend time talking to ‘boys’. I was 13/14 around that time. Bloody h#@#, I was only talking!
I am not sure how times have changed now but, as far as I understand, dating still isn’t accepted by the culture. It’s still a taboo subject in majority of families. Young men and women (of non-elite/non-rich families) don’t mix socially but all of them are raging with hormones of youth so to speak. None of them get a chance to go through a mate-selection process (aka dating) that in a natural environment, every healthy young adult should go through. Males should get a chance to aggressively show off their skills to impress their female counterpart who in turn should have the opportunity to pick and choose her mate at her convenience. That’s how it works in any free society, doesn’t it? In America, for example, on Friday nights, various clubs give women free entry just because it would attract men. It’s in the club that mating-games happen. However, if that is restricted, eve-teasing on the streets is bound to happen.
Males need to show off their masculanity. They are young; they’re stupid; they’re wanting to be the alpha-dog in their peers plus their hormones are raging. That aside, segregation from females never gives them the chance to understand women and learn how they operate. They never get sensitized to women’s emotional leanings. For that reason, most of them don’t even realize that their words might hurt the opposite sex.
There are a few men who are sadists (every society has them) but majority of street eve-teasers are just frustrated men who need an avenue to vent their aggressiveness and they mostly don’t realize the damage that they are causing. One of the reasons for this pent-up frustration is male-female segregation in teenage/young adulthood. So, it really disheartens me when I read something like IHM wrote about: Rajasthan CM Ashok Gehlot wants to end the culture of boys and girls roaming around in malls holding hands.
3. Popular Culture and Family Influence
There are more than a few men who having lived in the same environment as their eve-teasing-peers don’t resort to such activities. That’s where importance of popular culture and positive influence of family values come into play. Observe if you may, any ‘decent’ man you would meet has had an upbringing with either a strong female figure in his house or with a strong bond with a female figure in the house. There are chances that there is a strong male figure in the house but he is someone who despite his dominant attitude is respectful towards females. Children learn from examples. A strong family value system wherein every member in the family is equally respected is bound to get fixed in a child’s mind and remain with him/her throughout adulthood.
Same is the case with popular culture. Sadly, the pop culture of today is that Ekta Kapoor projects on our televisions. Need I say more? Even in 2000s, films like Vivaah are becoming superhits. Many men are still seeking brides like the female protagonist of the film: one who wears salvaar kameez, speaks shyly, serves husband food, prays regularly, irons clothes for him and rest of the family etc etc. The film is ridden with cliches that are so far removed from our present day realities. Yet, those cliches are what we want to change our lives into. We find it difficult to accept that not everyone can be Poonam from Madhupur (female protag of Vivaah) and feel dejected in the process. That’s how much influence pop culture has on us. I am not blaming media since it only dishes what people want to see. It’s a catch-22 really but it would be nice to see some positive voice in the pop culture that keeps up with the current times.
Media/pop culture also sends mixed signals to young men and women in terms of issues like eve-teasing. On screen, it is shown in songs (atleast in 90s it was shown) that girls enjoy men teasing them and often give in to men who are persistent. Watch this (I use this song as an example because it was ’sung’ to me a few times and I felt like slapping every fool who sang it to me.):
After watching this, do you think a 16 year old young man would leave it behind in the theater? He wants to be like the hero and goes on the streets replicating the same behavior unaware of the distinction between fiction and real life. Last thing he’d think of is that he’s hurting a girl in midst of his heroics. All he knows is that the girl in the video enjoyed the attention and, at the end, the hero gets a kiss from her too. How would a 16 year old know that it’s not the same in real life? He’s only trying to be cool like his favorite actor. One event leads to another and (in addition to causes mentioned in #2) he becomes a chronic eve-teaser. Bingo.
(Boy that was long)
Now on to Solutions:
1. Wealth MUST trickle down. Development and growth MUST be evened out to reduce the clash of cultural values. The gap cannot be eliminated but it can be reduced.
2. Male – female segregation should be discouraged. Women and men of influence should be extremely vocal about this. Young males and females should be encouraged to intermix with peers their age in a healthy and a supportive manner.
3. Women in every household should speak up for their rights and freedoms. Change only begins at home. Every woman owes it to her children – both boys and girls – to teach them the importance of respecting everyone despite gender differences. In addition to that, men in the family should respect their wives and mothers and lead by example.
4. Popular culture needs to be revised. Women should voice their concern with the media’s negative portrayal of women and their reality. Rubbish like Ekta Kapoor serials should be denounced. News about women getting beat in pubs shouldn’t be the only news making to the mainstream media channels available for young impressionable minds to view. There should also be news of strong women and men opposing the attacks in order to provide a fair coverage.
5. On a personal level, if someone misbehaves with you on the street, try not to lose temper. Try and imagine that he is not aware of your feelings that are hurt. Instead of screaming back at him or throwing a shoe at him (which he might be expecting), try to ‘nicely’ tell him that his words hurt you. Make it known to him that it affected you so much that you might go home and cry. He might not react back to you at that moment. He might laugh at your face but he surely will think twice before hurting any other woman again.
That’s about it really.
If all else fails, I had a brilliant idea last night of forming Sita Sena on the lines of Gulabi Gang but a much more sophisticated and nationally operable version of it ;) heh. Those of you who don’t know about Gulabi Gang, it is a gang of women known for thrashing men who beat their wives, commit any atrocity against women in their family, and the gang is also in strict opposition of government officials who misuse their power. The Gulabi women have often taken law into their hands by beating police officers when they are being unfair. Read more about them here.
(If I haven’t answered your comments on previous posts, please understand why. :) This post took time!!! :) Thanks. I’ll try to answer soon though.)
I am literally overwhelmed with the response to this post. Thank you, ladies and err gent ;). While I am glad that women don’t fear to speak out anymore, I am also frustrated that they still have to go through this today in 2009. As opposed to getting better, things only seem to be getting worse. The school I attended when I was in India during my Grade 8 – Grade 10 had a skirt and a shirt as the school uniform for girls. Now, 10 years later, the same school has changed the uniform to a more conservative salvaar-kameez. I have questioned it before too … here. Not that there is anything wrong with wearing salvaar-kameez, it’s the fact that school administration thinks it pertinent to change the dress code as soon as girls hit puberty is unsettling. For what? To save them from prying eyes? Of who? Of men eh? Aren’t these men who ‘pry’ a part of the same society? Wouldn’t it be easy on all if something was done do stop them from prying than putting women under control every given chance? No efforts are made to stop the ‘prying men’ but women are curtained, cordoned, chained, covered, their freedoms curtailed – what not – under the garb of their need to be protected. Pathetic!
If you don’t mind, I am going to post bits and pieces of the comments I received from the posts for the last couple of days. These views need to be highlighted.
Nita wrote: There was an experiment and counselling done by a social group about which I have written on my blog. Here the young men dressed up as women and the girls stared, made comments, and treated them generally the way they usually treat girls. At the end of 10 days, these boys were suitably ashamed and said they had not idea what it felt like!
SMM: It is sad statement but it is a fact, that when one of my friends got eve teased a few days back, the first thing I asked her was, “What were you wearing?”
Namrata: just ready to bash out at any-fuckin-body led to a lot of rage inside me..guess what..I came to the US and my husband finds me too aggressive at times..well thats what the streets [in India] make u …
Laksh: I did not dress “provocatively” yet I was subject to ‘eve teasing’, groping and generally lewd behavior on the streets. Over time you learn to take it in your stride and lose a part of yourself in the process.
Nandini: Not ONLY YOUNG and SEXY women face it. ALL WOMEN. Irrespective of whether or not they are conventionally sexy or not.
Kriti: It is always the women who are questioned while no one lifts a finger to try to ask why men are depraved and cannot control themselves.
Shefaly: I have once beaten an old man with my umbrella for molesting my friend. [...] he was old enough to have had grand-daughters our age.
Manpreet: If at all anyone has to make a ‘blank’ noise, it should be those with blank stares. We are not embarrassed about the issue, they should be.
Kanupriya: And yes, despite we being known as developing nation, women esp. growing girls in India are far unsafe than most of the parts of globe!
Tara: It pains terribly to see that freedom of the kind you spoke is a fight in my country in spite of all the positives one can think of.
Balvinder Singh: It is a tight slap on the faces of us Indian men. I hang my head in shame for the treatment that we mete out to our women and girls. That too without any provocation.
IHM: roop tussi great ho! (LOL of course that was the best part of IHM’s comment hehehe … what? narcisisst? me? naaaaah ;pp … anyway, moving on.)
Pinku: without [freedom] we are as good as vegetation.
Alankrita: One of the commenters to my post talked about “running away is not the solution, one must do something”. But what should one do? No one supports women in India- not the police( you kidding me, go to the police, be harassed more like), not the NCW( counseled the molesters indeed), not the government( pub culture is against our culture- give me promiscuity and alcohol to the Indian culture they are selling) and not the wonderfully -valued Indian families( how many families have scolded girls for being followed home- or trying to fight back). We cannot do anything. Except leave with our sanity intact.
Vijaya: For each spurt of growth that India has, it seems as if there are enough “sainiks” to bring it further down.
Malvika: No thank you, I DO NOT need this culture. I WOULD RATHER BE FREE!
Imp’s Mom: (very profound) Funny how we just know it is our freedom which will be curtailed, even when it happens the first time!
Jasdeep: I don’t think there was any significant women’s liberation movement in India, but it was there in the west..indian women have not fought for its right.. and ‘Mannuism’ still prevails.
Mahesh S: I wish every male (so called man) reads this. I want them to know what effect their heroics have on the psyche of a girl. Its shame on us all.
Solilo: It is high time us educated Indians do seriously something to stop such goons and fanatics. How? I am not sure myself :(
Nandini V: Such stuff I can go on and on for ages. So much that people ask me to shut up. They say take it in your stride and move on. Show strength – is something I’ve heard :).
La Vida Loca: One of those things where there’s so much to say yet, it remains unsaid.
Kiran in NYC: Perhaps the day that women in India are liberated from the devi/devdasi categorization, is the day they will be treated with the dignity than any human should be accorded.
(those I haven’t quoted … my apologies … i had to stay true to the topic of this post … sans IHM’s comment of course ;p)
“It’s not an everyday occurrence. It is not as bad as you make it out to be”, said a friend to me today after reading my last post. He lives in India and, obviously, is much in love with his homeland. Also, he is not someone who needs to resort to desperate means like the ’standard eve-teasers’ do to feel good about himself. He’s just your average good guy who minds his own business and doesn’t interfere in others’. For him, harassment of women on Indian streets is not that common an occurrence as I am making it out to be and hence not really that bad.
Despite my disagreement with him, I can understand where he is coming from. One, he is not a woman to have experienced it himself. Two, he hasn’t inflicted it on any woman himself; so he doesn’t think anyone else does it either.
Although I do understand his dilemma, I worry that there are so many others like him who might be thinking the same. They’re just not aware of the seriousness of the harassment problem merely because they are good people themselves and also because any talk of harassment is quickly hushed at homes. Daughters, if they do, talk to their mothers who hush the issue and advise the young ones to walk with arms folded across their chest next time. Fathers are mostly left unaware because you know what? Harassment ‘happens’. It’s ‘normal’. Why make a big deal of it? Women eventually just learn to cope with it themselves and life goes on.
I asked my husband today whether he knew about eve-teasing et al. He went to an IIT in India which happens to be primarily male-dominated. So he said, “I only really knew my sister in India but she obviously never told me anything. Only person I’ve heard it from is you when you go to India.” I was obviously shocked. He said he knew that it happened but he is completely unaware of the frequency or the intensity of it. Come to think of it, he lived a good two decades in India and he is not aware. I lived only a few years and I am more than aware. Being of a different gender makes all the difference eh?
Coming back to the friend, I asked him about what he thought of the two times that I was harassed during this recent trip to India and the few times during the last trip as well. He answered me by asking me to speak to the women I knew who lived in India. Umm how are they any different than I am, I wondered? Perhaps my body language is too ‘bold and inviting’? Perhaps because I don’t walk with my eyes glued to the road? Other than that, I look just the same as the rest. What’s the difference?
So I throw this question out to you ladies living in India:
Is sexual harassment on Indian streets almost an everyday occurrence or not? Do you not have to be on high alert to guard yourself strongly every time you step out? Do you not have to think about what you wear and how you walk just so that you don’t attract attention?
Because I always felt like I needed to be on guard in India when I lived there and when I visit there. Perhaps my perception is wrong. Please correct me.
Although I have put those questions out to you guys, I don’t find that any answers to those questions would affect the grimness of the issue at hand in any manner. How does it matter if street harassment is an everyday occurrence or only once in a lifetime? Even if a young girl is harassed once in her life, is it not bad enough?! It inculcates fears into her that are not healthy for her growth! It’s a fact. Even ONE incident is enough for her to start looking down on herself … her body … her mind … her perception of herself. She begins to question herself, her way of dressing, her choices, her wants, her desires, her dreams and begins to shape herself subconsciously to be someone who is not likely to get abused (as per her perception) and kills herself in the process. How terribly sad is that! If I had a young daughter entering her teens rite now in India, I’d be shaking with fear every time I had to send her out by herself. WHY?! Why does one have to live with this fear every day? It’s not fair! Repeat after me … NOT FAIR!
So yes, it IS as bad as I make it out to be dammit. It might take an ‘everyday occurrence’ for someone to take harassment seriously. For me, one incident in a lifetime is more than enough, thank you very much. The frequency of occurrence is really rendered immaterial. The impact left by one incident on one young mind can be much worse than impact left by 100s on another! I am surprized though that there are people who are still unaware of this taboo of a subject. Really surprized! I assumed everyone knew! I thought everyone knew that it happens quite regularly! Well, what do ya kno?! I was wrong! Though I do realize that I am to be blamed for not letting others know as well. When it happened to me, I kept it to myself and my close group of girl friends. We never told guy friends out of shame and never told parents out of fear. So, how can I expect them to know now?
This new piece of information gives me all the more reason to talk louder about it than ever. Please pass on the message. Please talk about the frequency of it if it helps make a better impact. More and more ‘decent’ people (read men) need to be made aware that their wives, sisters and daughters are experiencing harassment on almost an everyday basis. They can’t be blamed to not do anything about it because they simply don’t know in most cases. If they hear of it, they choose to believe that it doesn’t happen to their family members and that ‘it’s really not that bad’.
Unfortunately though, dear sirs, it IS that bad. If you don’t believe me, have a look here: Blank Noise Project.
I had two hundred and fifty plus ideas to blog on over this weekend but obviously I couldn’t; Pati was hogging the computer the whole time that we were home. He had ‘office work’ to do, he justified, but instead he kept himself busy with websites written in telugu-script while I pretended to ignore. :! Later on when I brought it up with him, he said (with unmistakeably a giggle), “I have to catch up on happenings in Andhra too sometimes you know” . uh huh uh huh yes, please applaud me for my patience.
Finally, I got the machine back after I threw him out of the house to go get groceries. I was all prepared to write about the happenings of this weekend until I read IHM’s post on how she is now contemplating on sending her daughter to America. Previously, I’d read Alankrita’s sincere expression of her happiness for having left ‘that place’ (India) and moving to America. After reading IHM’s post, I also read Tears and Dreams’ post where she states that she is glad that she is not raising her daughter in India but in America. These posts are of course a response to the cowardly acts of a few pigeonhearted men who thought that mercilessly beating up women and cursing them for embracing the ‘western lifestyle of pubbing’ is a brilliant idea. As if their idea of restoring some vague idea of Indian culture that they’ve cooked up in their idle minds wasn’t a strong enough measure of their stupidity and joblessness. Isn’t it strange that more the country tries to progress in terms of its economics, the louder some voices get to put shackles on women? Is it a possibility that these voices only come from those who find themselves incapable to be a productive part of the country’s growth spurt? Do these people really have intelligence that low that they find beating their mothers, wives, and daughters a way of showing respect and upholding their skewed idea of ‘culture’? Are these people really a part of a democracy called India? Would I, as a woman, want to be a part of that democracy if I had an option to leave? Most likely not. I would much rather opt for a place that offers me the freedom to exist as I want to. Patriotism can take a hike.
What is patriotism anyway? It’s a pseudo-construct meant to bring people together just like God is. Leave patriotism out of the equation for a minute and let practicality talk, every word that IHM, Alankrita and Tears ‘n Dreams wrote make the most logical arguments that there could be.
I’ve lived in India for a brief part of my teenage while most of it was spent in Canada. The number of times that I was shamed to be growing up to be a woman in India beats Canada’s zero by far. I was only 13 when some asshole on a 2-wheeler whizzed by my bicycle as I was cycling to school and lifted my skirt before driving off laughing. I was mad. I was upset. I felt violated. I wanted to turn back the bicycle to go home and hide under my bed covers to cry. Instead, as I was taught, I shook the thought off as something that happens ‘normally’ and went to school as ‘normal’. That was 1995. Various other incidents happened that year too including some jerks trying to grope the then-non-existent breasts! Not just me but my other friends too who I used to cycle with. We thought that going together would make the asses a bit hesitant but, boy, we were wrong. They had more prey to play with, you see.
A year later, my dad bought me a 2-wheeler (scooter). That excited me to no end. Not because I no longer had to pedal everywhere but because I had speed on my side now to rid of all the potential gropers on the streets. Nope, I was wrong again. They had mastered the technique of groping women on scooters as well. They didn’t care whether I had my younger brother or sister sitting behind me. They were going to get what they wanted. There were times when in markets, obscene magazines would be thrust in my (and friends’) faces by -argh I don’t even know what to call them-. Not to mention the busy places like movie theaters. There would always be pinching – sometimes painful – and groping and cupping – you name it!-. We couldn’t even tell our parents (who were with us) for the fear of not being brought to a theater again. We didn’t tell our parents anything because we didn’t want our freedoms taken away. These incidents were only sparse (once a week maybe), we thought, and learned to accept them. Despite the acceptance at a superficial level, every time a skirt was lifted, a breast was groped, a butt was pinched … something in us bled … and our respect for our femininity slowly died.
A year later, I found myself back in Canada. Strangely, I was no longer in a consistent fight to ward off hands off me. Let hands alone, I didn’t even have to worry about eyes looking at me. There was no one whistling at me or calling me names. I could now go to movies without having a nervous breakdown. I could use public transport without wrapping myself in layers of clothes. The biggest culture-shock I experienced was seeing the confidence that girls my age had in regards to their body and their personality on a whole. They didn’t have to fear about what others thought when they chose their clothes. They didn’t think twice before doing what they wanted. They’d sing on public buses, they’d dance, they would truly be who they are and not put an act to avoid being labeled ‘tainted’. They had no such worries. They were too busy being teenagers while I had accumulated a baggage of the curse of being a woman in India already. Gradually, over the years, I let go of that baggage too and I too enjoyed dancing on tables in the middle of a packed university hall. That might sound unappealing to the reserved kind but that’s who I am and no one should take me away from me! I only have one life too … just like everyone else … and I should be allowed to live my life as I want to live it … certainly not how the world’s moral brigade intends for me to. Who are they to decide my life for me? Why should I wear knee length skirts when truly I want to wear pants that day? Why should my choice of food and clothes be judged? Why can’t I have the rights to express myself as I feel about myself?
I CAN have the rights and, lemme say in addition to Alankrita and others, I do have all those rights in America and I am GLAD to be here! Although I do have pangs to go live in India for a brief period of time, incidents like the Mangalore pub beatings that I mentioned above surely make me revisit my illogical cravings. If things keep going as they are now in India and the voices that are anti-women keep getting stronger, I don’t think I’d even want to visit the country that my parents call home. That would really be the saddest day of my life. So far, I still would consider living there for a year or two for the experience but if I have a daughter in the near future, India is definitely off my list most certainly. What can I say? I don’t want my kids grow up seeing me fight the system. I would rather want them to just be kids and grow freely, learn about the world and its ways in their own way, discover themselves, and be who they want to be. If I have the option to give them that, I would undoubtedly choose it.
Having said that, I must mention something that I don’t necessarily need to but I have to just to get it out of my system. I am tired – quite literally tired – of hearing the stereotypes even the most educated elite of India hold of the Western (primarily American) culture. It really pisses me off when someone talks of all Americans being cool with 13 year old girls getting pregnant and Americans having no ‘family’ values et al. Wherever do these people get these ideas from? Bollywood movies? Really? You really let Bollywood guide your impressions of the world? If not that, then what? Let’s talk of some of the most-commonly heard stereotypes:
1. Indians have a great family system that Westerners don’t
Really? So my neighbors who are constantly in touch with their parents, send them presents and money when needed, have dinners with them often, get together for every important day of the year etc. … they are not family people? Just that they are not living with their parents make them non-family people? My father is Indian and he clearly told all of us kids that he wants to live alone with his wife once all of us have a life of our own. All the older uncles in my family have done just that. Everyone in my generation is working on his/her own and have their own houses while parents live alone in the same city. That doesn’t mean that we don’t value our family; we just choose to live separately and not rub in each others’ faces every living moment. We have our independence and space and still maintain whatever there is to our relationships. Parents can very well take care of themselves. Maintenance needs are not as high as they are in India. Life is relatively much easier here. Houses don’t need cleaning everyday. Dishwashers clean the dishes. Food can be cooked relatively easily too. We’ll help our parents when they need to. Rest of the time, if they’d much rather have their independence, that does not make us bad children or our family lacking of ‘family values’. In Texas, I’ve been to a few Christian weddings (work related) and I am always blown away by the love all the family members have for each other. Relationships in Texan families are just as strong as in Indian families. I see no difference. Stop watching Bollywood. It’s not reality! Snap outta it please.
2. American girls get pregnant at 13 which atleast is not accepted in India yet
Well, what if I say that Indian girls are forced to marry at 13 and then they are raped by their 50 year old ‘husbands’! Would that be true for the entire population of a billion people in the country? I think I would be insulting my intelligence and this blog space if I start justifying that not all American girls get pregnant at 13; so, I’d rather not do that. Instead I’d say that atleast girls who are getting pregnant at 13 out of wedlock in America are not being forced to commit suicide. They are not collectively shamed by the society and tainted for life to never be allowed to live a happy life again for a mistake they committed in their naivete. Although teenage pregnancy is an issue that is dealt with quite seriously in schools here because it is a widespread problem for the country, the women themselves who go through teenage pregnancy are not made to feel less than anyone else. Their self-respect is not forced to be compromised. They are free to choose to keep their child if they want to and raise that child on their own as well without people jeering at them. They have what women (and men too) in India lack: freedom to live without fearing the societal norms and moral standards! I’d much rather have freedom than uphold any pseudo morals that allow a 13 year old to get raped by a man she is forced to be in bed with and denounces another 13 year old who gets pregnant without the superficial label of ‘marriage’.
3. Americans have a rubbish culture of junk food, malls, and wastage
While I do not deny the American culture (or lack of) of junk food, malls, and unconscionable wastage, that’s really not all that there is to America. Reducing America to just that is equal to calling India a land of snake charmers. Really, it is. My advice would be that if you have an issue with an ‘ignorant’ American asking you whether you ride an elephant to school in India, you better shut your trap too before trivializing American or its culture to a sentence or two.
More later. Now, I is off to watching Superbowl: another American extravaganza. Ah these Americans! So full of themselves!
Edited to add: This trip to India (Dec 2008 – Jan 2009), there were two incidents when I was ‘eve-teased’ as the term that I find insulting goes. First time, I was walking to a market with my 23 year old cousin. Both of us were fully clothed in sweaters, jeans, and sneakers. Three losers – each one of them skinner than one of my legs – whistled and mumbled something incoherently. Knowing that I could take them in a physical fight if I had to, I turned around to face them and asked them if they were talking to us. They didn’t answer. They stared at me like they’d seen a ghost. Two minutes later when they still didn’t have anything to say, we walked away. Second incident was in Chandigarh in an UPSCALE restaurant. I went to the bathroom to wash my hands before eating and while I waited at the door of the restroom, a group of men across the room started hurling nonsense I could do without. There were other people around too including staff of the restaurant. No one said anything. I chose to be quiet too that day. There were six of them plus I just wasn’t in the mood for a confrontation that day. It had been enough days in India I guess. I had retired to the idea of being ogled at and misbehaved with. I washed my hands and came back to my seat. However, even to this day, I curse myself for not having responded to them. I curse myself for not having reacted. You know what’s even more sad? Everyone who I told this story to applauded me for NOT reacting. “There’s no use of making situation worse”, they said. WTF? It’s already worse enough dammit. I am hurt inside. I feel devalued. They tell me to not let it affect me. How can I not? It injures me! Not physically but emotionally, it does. What about me? What about millions of those who have to take it everyday and not react? Why do they have to live by suppressing their hurt only to be hurt again? WHY!?! WHY should we not react? If there is enough reaction, would this nonsense not stop? Sure there will be some tragedies but the greater good is a safe existence for women, isn’t it? Obviously though, that’s not what society wants. Safe existence for women is not a priority; their ability to politely submit in a non-reactive manner is … and sadly, women are CONDITIONED to be like that … better yet, women themselves start to think that they are better off being submissive … because that’s the ‘better’ way to live. It’s sad to see intelligent women tell me that I’d change with time too. Eff that! I’ll only exist as long as my freedoms to remain as I am exist. When my freedoms are taken away from me and my personality is altered, it would no longer be me! It would only be my body walking without ‘me as I was born’!! as many do in India.
(this stuff really gets me talking!)
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